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NBA’s Players’ Association Advises Free Agents To Prepare For Lockout Because EFF YOU, THAT’S WHY

Lllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettttt’s get ready to llllloooockoouuuuuuutttttt! (Credit: Kelvin Kuo-USA TODAY Sports Images, Gannett)

Hey, it’s NBA free agency time! Everyone’s happy and having fun, because the NBA offseason is more fun than the regular season to a lot of people, and we’re all enjoying free agency rumors and wondering what it would be like to be a free agent and imagining how cool it would be if maybe LeBron James decided to leave Miami and come to our favorite teams. This is the best of times, right?

“Nooooooooooooooooooooope,” says the National Basketball Players Association in its best Lana Kane voice. Screw you and your fun, because we’ve got a lockout to prepare for!

To clarify, that doesn’t mean that LeBron should take less money total; it means that the union is encouraging James (and others who are signing new contracts this offseason) to use the stretch provision on their own finances and take the same amount of total money over a longer period of time, to insure themselves against a period of lost income, essentially in the same way that owners did by working out deals with their broadcast partners that kept money flowing into the league’s coffers even as games were cancelled.

And, that, in turn-

No. FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. THIS IS ALL BULL SHIT. It’s July 1st, 2014, and we’re not ready to start talking about the next lockout. It might be prudent and pragmatic and realistic and I DON’T CARE, I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT ISAIAH THOMAS GOING TO DETROIT.

Stop taking away my damn stapler, NBA and associated NBA entities, or I am going to burn this place to the ground.

Stop. Taking. My. Stapler.

Andrew Lynch

When God Shammgod created the basketball universe, Andrew Lynch was there. His belief in the superiority of advanced statistics and the eventual triumph of expected value-based analytics stems from the fact that he’s roughly as old as the concept of counting. With that said, he still loves the beauty of basketball played at the highest level — it reminds him of the splendor of the first Olympics — and the stories that spring forth from the games, since he once beat Homer in a game of rock-paper-scissors over a cup of hemlock. Dude’s old.