In today’s adventure, Matt teaches Ben how to drive.
Open scene, front seat of a 1986 Datsun, Affleck is driving. Damon is in the passenger seat.
MD: [talking loudly over a whirring transmission]Â Now, Ben, OK, you hear that sound? Ben! Do you hear that?
BA:Â [hands clutching the wheel, looking straight ahead, sweating]Â Huh? What? No? Oh my God! This is terrifying!
MD: Ben, it’s OK! Nothing is terrifying. We’re in a Star Market parking lot. There’s no one here. But that sound means you need to shift into second gear. Ben! Relax! Second gear!
BA: Oh God. Oh no. Oh no. Second gear. Second gear. [tugs on gearshift]Â It’s not working! It’s not working! WE’RE GOING TO DIE!
MD: Ben! Press the clutch! Left foot! Left foot!
BA: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! [slams on gas, engine whirs loudly and stalls, car rolls to a stop next to an abandoned shopping cart]
MD: [staring at Affleck]Â Dude. Really?
BA: [opens his eyes, grateful he’s alive, looks at Damon sheepishly]Â Your mom’s really got to stop driving this thing, Matt. It’s a deathtrap.
Lion Face: Kobe Bean Bryant, getting his V for Vendetta on
Oh, you think that mask was because of the concussion and broken nose? No. Kobe was doing a very loose interpretation of Guy Fawkes blowing up Miami’s parliament building. Or something. Quite a different game than the one we saw on Christmas, eh? Kobe did all the things both his lovers and his haters say he does: shoot the ball non stop. And this time, it paid off. Third game in a row after the All-Star break where Kobe has scored 30+. Good on him. Also RINGGZZZ.
Lemon Face: Dwyane Wade, Decidedly Un-Clutch (5 ringz is 4 moar ringz than 1 ringz, #ringzmath)
Well, not that un-clutch. He did, however, foul out in the 4th quarter, creating a situation where LeBron was the lone superstar left on the Heat. Mike Brown was no doubt confused, since the team he was coaching against closely resembled many of his past teams.
Lion Face: The Washington Wizards!
A close battle against the Cleveland Cavaliers came down to the final shot, and the Wizards prevailed! Blatche was back, and he was only kind-of booed, Crawford had another big scoring night, Vesely had a few highlight reen dunks, and no one looked completely terrible!Â And then after Anthony Parker missed the three that would have sent the game into overtime, they launched streamers! Against the Cavs! In March! OK, why not!
Here’s one of Vesely’s dunks:
Lemon Face: The Cleveland Cavaliers
I think this game would have gone very different had Varejao been playing (notably, Ryan Hollins wouldn’t have played so many damn minutes), but after all the praise people have been heaping on the Cavs this year–most of it since they were so abysmal last year–you’d think they would have been able to hold onto their multiple leads in the game. Alas, not even Kyrie’s heroics and Antawn’s awkwardly-footed jumper could save them against a confident backcourt in John Wall and Jordan Crawford. Take it away Messrs. Mr. Mister:
Lion Face: Deron Williams’s 57-point barrage on Charlotte
57 points, 7 assists. He’s the only active player to have that stat line. And 21-21 from the line to boot? This could either be interpreted as a “Come and try to recruit me please!” game or a “Come on and play with me soon; look how good I am!” game. Either way, beastly.
Lemon Face: That Charlotte-New Jersey game
Deron Williams needed 57 points to beat Charlotte? Why are both of these teams so terrible? It’s really sad. I hope these two fanbases get much needed satisfaction soon. #PrayforCardboardGerald #PrayforCardboardBropez
Lion Face: Kevin Love
Putting up a 42-10 on route to a 122-110 victory over the Blazers in the Rose Garden. And to top it off, he got a shoutout in a rather lousy SNL skit on Saturday night. Everything’s comin’ up Kevin!
Lemon Face: The Portland Trail Blazers
Alert! Alert! People are panicking! Is it time to right the ship? How does one right the ship: make a concerted playoff push, or a concerted lottery push? Trade assets for flexibility? Trade assets for competitiveness? Your move, Paul Allen and a seemingly-endless army of Robin-like GMs.
Lion Face: Marcin Gortat, he of 17 but NOT 20 rebounds
â€œAbout me, 17 rebounds, I think coach kind of sniffed out that Iâ€™m getting close to 20 boards, and he didnâ€™t really want me to shoot that three. Thatâ€™s why he put me on the bench. Iâ€™ve got to talk to him. Iâ€™ve definitely got to have a meeting with him, today or tomorrow.â€
Lion Face: The Dallas Mavericks, for togetherness
Pulling it together, like champions do. Dirk goes for 40, and Lamar skips his anticipated rehab start in the D-League to play a solid 18 minutes on Saturday. Nice to see everyone’s got everyone else’s back. Let’s see if Dallas can keep this momentum going and get back into the contention conversation.
Lion Face: RAJON FREAKING RONDO
18 points. 17 rebounds. 20 assists. Oscar and Wilt territory. Incredible. And he got that 10th rebound (to finish out the triple-double) fairly early in the 4th quarter. The overtime helped add to the line a bit, but he was a monster without it. So the Celtics as a whole at 29 assists. The Knicks had 23. Rondo had 20 by himself. Two things for certain: he steps up to the plate when people talk about him in trade rumors and he makes his teammates’ lives easier.
Lemon Face: Golden State Warriors for only putting up 75 points against the Raptors
How dare you sully the “OMG LOOGIT THE POINTS”-association the world has with the Warriors and Nellie Ball? That was one of the only sure things that still existed in this sport. And just like that, it’s gone. For shame.