NBA Lockout Meeting Part 2: Starring Chris Paul and Allen Iverson!

Illustration by brilliant Internet artist Seth Johnston

After a month of being forced to consider playing overseas or getting a job at Home Depot, several players of experience and leadership banded together to form Lockout Class, a group dedicated to helping players through the lockout. Here, in this fictional and nonexistent class, they’ll talk about coping with a loss of livelihood, summer pickup games, and a myriad of other topics. The group is led by veteran (also, bald) players, Brian Cardinal and Shane Battier. The two sit at the front of the crowded room behind a large desk. The room is filled with NBA players. Spencer Hawes can be seen in the background wearing a shirt that says “The Second Amendment: As Real As It Gets“. 

This is their second meeting. To read about their first meeting, go here. 

Brian Cardinal: Everyone here?

Shane Battier: Where are the Nuggets?

Brian Cardinal: They said they had to rush out, but they’ll be back soon.

Shane Battier: Ok, everybody sit down. This is serious.

Brian Cardinal: As you all know, things aren’t going that well. Again. For a while, we all sort of believed things were going to work out. But it looks like we might miss the start of the season. Anyway, Shane and I thought it would be a good idea to meet and talk about some of our options.

DeShawn Stevenson: I have some fashion ideas.

J.R. Smith: Listen up, you guys.

Shane Battier: I thought you left?

J.R. Smith: I’m always here, even when you think I’m gone. Also, why am I whispering?

Brian Cardinal: Can we be focused for a second?

Derrick Rose stares back blankly. 

Shane Battier: First thing, do any of you have any questions about how the lockout might effect us? Brian and I have done some research.

Roger Mason: How u

Shane Battier: That isn’t strictly a question, but I’m doing ok.

Kobe Bryant: I’m not too good, honestly. I think we should talk about how this is going to affect me, you guys. There are only so many years left on Luke Walton’s contract.

Chris Paul: I have a question, Shane. How can I encourage Marco Belinelli to consider playing overseas again?

Marco Belinelli wads up his NBA contract, shoots for the trash can, and misses by three feet.

James Johnson: Who wants to start a kickboxing league?

Brian Cardinal: Am I supposed to answer all of these at once?

Dirk Nowitzki: That’s what I usually do.

The room descends into a series of yelling questions before finally dying down. 

Shane Battier: All right, the question format isn’t getting us anywhere. Anything you’d like to tell us or let the group know about what you plan to do in the future?

Steve Nash: I think I might finally leave the desert, once and for all. Man, Hakim Warrick and I made some great memories.

Allen Iverson: You talkin’ about cactus?

Delonte West: Guys, I have great news. I’m going to make another rap album!

(No one says anything)

Kevin Garnett: I really just want to smile and laugh after I make important plays.

Kendrick Perkins: Me too. But seriously, don’t ever tell anyone I said that. Don’t.

Etan Thomas: The quiet surrounds us all, the words flow up, but only the floor sings.

Joe Johnson: Poetry snaps for Etan.

Brian Cardinal: This isn’t something to joke about. We’re talking about our jobs here. We need to try to figure this out, and if we can’t, we need to be ready to have no NBA season. It’s vital that we understand the reality of the situation. Before we know it, everything we love could be gone. This could have very, very negative effects for a lot of us. So can we just try to actually think and take this seriously for one second?

James Harden: Sure. But can we talk about growing matching beards first?

 

 

 

Seth Carstens