It’s a good time to be alive. I mean, generally, that’s true. But right now, specifically, is a good moment to be capable of using your eyeball-type devices and earholes to take in one of the greatest cinematic achievements in the history of the talking picture. Dwight Howard is a Superhero. Amar’e Stoudemire is the President. Chandler Parsons is Chandler Parsons. IT JUST KEEPS GOING SERIOUSLY WATCH THE VIDEO:
Okay, fine, you’re too cool to watch the video. I get it. Or maybe you’re at work, and your place of employment hates happiness and won’t let you watch videos because those so-called emergencies aren’t going to solve themselves.
That sucks, but we’re here for you. Screenshots!
Pretty standard movie villain stuff here. “I’m going to blow up the world, I have an eyepatch, the shadows over my mustache have shadows.” The twist? He doesn’t want money — he wants the lives of all living humans! Apparently self-aware grizzly bears and military trained dolphins are safe. The Earth has 24 hours before an asteroid or a meteor or something crashes into the planet and everyone has to relive the series finale to Dinosaurs.
So we’re going to need someone to take the lead on this one. A strong, firm leader, who won’t let the opinions of others sway him from saving the world. Naturally, we need Amar’e Stoudemire, POTUS.
Sweet digs, Mr. President. Constitutional aside: no one may attain the highest executive office in the land before the age of 35, and Amar’e is just 31. Either this movie is set somewhere in the near future, or the Constitution was amended to allow Stoudemire to run for office after he led the Knicks to the 2015 title. I like to believe it’s the latter. FOUR MORE YEARS. FOUR MORE YEARS.
Anyway, there’s a crack squad of commandos and special ops forces perfectly tasked for the job. And conveniently, they’re all NBA players who are represented by the same agency! What are the odds? And Amar’e demands that the camera get him the Realityavengerables, ASAP. Spoiler: the name of their collective isn’t easy to say, and it’s a brick joke that’ll come back later.
And now it’s introduction time! Iman Shumpert, as his title card indicates in a tasteful red and orange hue, is the “smooth-talking fearless leader.” I respect the choice to have the first call from Amar’e be to his Knicks teammate, but are we really trying to pretend that Shumpert is the leader of this crew? First, Amar’e is the President. Generally, that’s the leader of everything. But even if we’re considering Shumpert just the man behind the scenes for this particular group of individuals, I’m not sure it entirely makes sense. Then again, maybe in the four years between the present and the events of this film, Shumpert has grown into the type of player — nay, the type of person — who could take the helm of a group of clutch performers…
…oh, shit. Shumpert’s been traded in this universe, hasn’t he?
Moving on. Next up is the only man in the NBA who could get away with uttering the following line “Let’s hurry up and save the world. I got two bad Brazilians waiting for me at my chateau in Ibiza.”
Hey, it’s Chandler Parsons, and he doesn’t even have a skill! He’s just ridiculously good-looking. I guess that makes him the George Clooney of the group. Did Clooney’s characters ever actually do anything in the Ocean’s franchise? I mean, I saw 11, 12 and 13, but I can’t really remember the pl0ts to any of them. I feel like Parsons is Clooney, though, so we’re going with that.
Also, the implication here is that Parsons has two beautiful Brazilian models waiting for him on his island castle, which is great. But I choose a more artistic interpretation — Anderson Varejao and Tiago Splitter are waiting for Chandler, and he will have to fight them to the death on the cliffs overlooking the Mediterranean Sea.
Corey Brewer as a one-liner dropping gunner? Acceptable. “He must have been a holy man, ’cause he’s hole-y,” as his signature one-liner? Double acceptable!
This is a pretty decent squad so far, but you know what it really needs? A superhero. Fortunately for President Stoudemire, the NBA has a self-stylized superhero more than willing to step into that role. Dwight Howard, activate! Form of parody bordering on copyright violation!
Howard comes crashing into the middle of a strangely-empty urban intersection in classic superhero form. Although what if Howard was the meteor that the villain meant to use to destroy the Earth? Take that, M. Night Shyamalan!
Dwight gets his own one-liner — “It’s time for clean up on Aisle Evil.” Apparently his superhero is a grocery store clerk, which is neat, kind of. Then he uses his laser vision to melt a few gentlemen simply practicing their Second Amendment rights in the middle of a city like normal, hard-working Americans, and sneezes so hard that he removes a woman’s clothing. Again, in the middle of the street. I’m really starting to think that Howard is the menace to society here, masquerading as a hero.
Smash cut! Now we’re in a dojo. The DJ Dojo, to be specific, which is not in fact a martial arts facility for people who curate playlists and play them for people at clubs, as the name might imply. DeAndre Jordan’s fighting someone, and…BOOM! Brick joke! His opponent can’t say “Relativityavengerables.” And honestly, I can’t blame him — it sounds like a quantum physics-based children’s show with anthropomorphized vegetable creatures.
DeAndre’s spent the years leading up to the Amar’e administration honing the lethality of his limbs (hence the dojo), so of course he’s the “Guy with the Lethal Hands.” Remember that, Clippers fans, the next time Jordan struggles to make a catch. It’s all going to be okay…IN THE FUTURE!
Another smash cut! The crew’s in…the jungle? Somewhere? They’ve got leaves coming off of their helmets, anyway. But they’re in trouble. A voice is telling them that if they don’t get out of there soon, they’re done for.
It’s Larry Sanders, and he’s the Nerdie Tech Guy! …and his grandmother is calling him in the middle of the mission. So that’s less than convenient. But Larry’s a sweetheart, so he takes the call, even if it means potentially losing Shumpert and the rest of the gang. Family first, you guys. Family first. Ask Giannis.
Courtney Lee is a member of the RelativityAvengerables, too. For some reason. I’m honestly not really sure why. His skill appears to be getting right up in someone’s face and channeling Hannibal Lecter. Even the trailer seems confused with what to do with Lee. Personally, I’d have him transform into “Ferrous Masculine-Human,” who flies around in a suit and launches bombs from unlimited range.
And speaking of bombs, DeMarcus Cousins has something fun in store for children of all ages! Cousins, you see, is the Q of the whole operation, the Impractical Gadget Guy. Need a car that’s actually a bounce-y castle? Cousins has you covered. Looking for a pen that doubles as a fireplace? You already know where to go. And if you’d like a basketball that explodes when you arm it — a “BasketBomb,” if you will — you’re in luck.
Side note: the way Cousins’s audio is mixed and the way that he says “BasketBomb” makes it really sound like he’s saying “Basketball.” And this trailer is even funnier when you imagine Cousins doing a line-reading of “This is my newest invention. I call it the ‘Basketball.'”
At that point, you’ve essentially got all your bases covered. President Stoudemire knows this truth to be self-evident, that all pain is to be inflicted equally. So he calls for Air Force One — “it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” and dear Shammgod, please give whichever writer came up with that line a raise. Corey Brewer guns into the distance. Chandler Parsons does the same, in front of the Bellagio, no less. And an attractive woman literally falls into his lap, since he’s Chandler Parsons, before the best moment of the trailer: she reaches up to embrace Parsons after he asks her what she’s doing that night, before he waves her off as he says, “Not the hair, not the hair.” No one messes with the coif.
Dwight Howard spins a car on his finger as he takes machine gun fire, and I’m pretty sure Carl Jung described that as a metaphor for a specific archetype that encumbered by a savior complex, yet powerful enough to believe that the slings and arrows (and bullets) of the world would have no effect on the inner self.
Okay, I lied earlier, the best moment of the trailer is actually at the end. The villain returns, after having “done 18 Rubik’s cubes”…and he has a crossbow. Sure. Dwight Howard spins cars on his finger, but your crossbow is sufficient.
Unfortunately for the villain, Larry Sanders is on the case. There’s a missile flying toward Earth (I thought it was a meteorite? I have no idea where I am anymore), but it’s no match for Sanders. He sidles up to a keyboard, quips “Control…Alt…Delete,” and then the missile explodes. Like missiles are supposed to do. Or something explodes, at least, as Lee, Howard, Parsons, Shumpert and Brewer all walk away. From the explosion in the background. Oh, and Parsons is the leader now.
There you have it. Cinematic glory. Don’t even bother calling the Academy Awards; this movie makes such pomp and circumstance obsolete.