Author Archives: Trey Kerby

A Lesser Man Would Have Won the Game

(click for video)

One of the simplest rules of the NBA is that if you can dunk the ball, you dunk it.  It’s super high percentage.  It removes a lot of the room for error.  It looks pretty awesome.  But sometimes, rarely, it loses you a basketball game.

Dwade (pronounced ‘dweighed’) last night, with his steal>fast running>dunk move nearly won the Miami Heats a game singlehandedly.  Well, two-handedly, based on the dunk, but that’s not how the metaphor works.  But by dunking, he left 0.06 seconds on the clock, which as we now know, is roughly equivalent to one (1) Rajon Rondo alley-oop.

Allow me to hypothesize.  Had Dwade laid the ball in, glass or not, wouldn’t 0.06 seconds have run off the clock?  Wouldn’t the minuscule difference between throwing the ball downwards and slightly flipping it upwards have ran down the clock just enough?  Probably.

Please be aware that I’m aware that this is the dumbest second guess of all-time.  How about of all-time?  Dwade had to get the shot off quickly, to actually beat the buzzer.  He had to make sure he made it.  He probably thought he’d ended the game.  Going the lay-in route invites a chance of missing the shot, or maybe not getting it off in time.  There’s about ten things wrong with laying it in there, which is why you always dunk it.

Or I guess, almost always because if that dunk happens to be a layup, there’s no overtime.  C’est la vie.

Morning Bell – 12.09.09

MAD LOVE HANDLES

Zinger.

FIRST OFF

Get out of my face, Chicago Bulls.  You jerks lost AT HOME to the NEW JERSEY NETS.

I MEAN

You blew the first really good Derrick Rose game of the season (27/7/10), and needed a huge night from Taj Gibson to even be close.  Blame it on injuries if you want, but seriously, get out of my face.

MOVING ON

Pretty chill fourth quarter for the Mavericks and Suns, eh?

EH?

Yup.  Eh.

FOR RILLY

Steve Nash was incredible down the stretch.  Big threes that you knew were going in, plus he wasn’t even the one who made the defensive mistake that got Jason Kidd the wide-open dagger three.

GOES TO SHOW

If you Del Negro your timeouts early in the half, you’re going to regret it in the fourth quarter.

WEIRD GAME

Channing “Franning” Frye.  Two points on 1-7 shooting (0-4 threes), but you somehow grabbed nine rebounds and ended up +12.  Of course you bricked two huge threes down the stretch.  That’s because you’re Franning Frye, 38% of Rashard Lewis.

OH

Dirk is wearing a headband again.  The announcers call Rodrigue Beaubois “Roddy.”  I can spell “Rodrigue Beaubois” flawlessly without checking first.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DWIGHT HOWARD

Chris Kaman blocked your jump hook.

BIG UP YOURSELF

BreBron Brames (43/13/6).  Zach Randolph (32/14/2).  Gerald Wallace (25/16/1).  Kelly Dwyer (25/14/5).  Dirk (33/8/3).

CHILL OUT

John Salmons, with your being the worst go-to scorer in the NBA.  Whichever announcer called Steve Nash “The Brain.”  JJ Barea, with your increasing defensive liabilityness.  Juwan Howard.

Morning Bell – 12.01.09

SOMETIMES

You just gotta shave your armpits.  It’s an old saying.

ABOUT BASKETBALL

Last night was a good night to go to bed early.

WHY?

The first two games went down to the buzzer.  The second two, they did not.

ALSO

It twas a night of “REALLY?” games.

REALLY LINDSAY HUNTER?

You’re taking a penultimate shot to close the lead?  This isn’t 1997, Lindsay Hunter.  Cool rebound though.

AND REALLY BRAD MILLER?

Bro, we both know you can shoot a 17-footer.  So shoot it 17 feet.

I MEAN REALLY EDDIE JORDAN

You’re trying to win the game with a long Grimace three, and not something near the basket when he’s one of the most athletic guys playing professional basketball?  I guess that makes sense when you consider that Grimace is a bad three-point shooter who is having his worst year ever from behind the stripe.

WAIT

That doesn’t make sense.

EXACTLY

He’s not Billbert Barenas or Professor Threepointerstons, Eddie Jordan.  But he is strong and can jump a lot.  Maybe get him near the rim next time.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Monta Ellis (45/5/1).  Carlos Boozer (24/15/7).  Kelly Dwyer (22/15/3).  Jason Kidd (22/6/11).

CHILL OUT

JJ Barea, with your low-top almost Nike Dunks.  Charlie Bell, with your looking like an emaciated Kurt Thomas.  Ersan Ilyasova, with your jumpshot like a kid in gym class who wears jeans under his gym shorts.  Juwan Howard.

Morning Bell – 11.24.09

PAU GASOL

Amateur dietician.

THOSE GAMES LAST NIGHT

They weren’t the best games.

IN FACT

I couldn’t really focus on one for an extended period of time.

EVEN THE BULLS?

Even the Bulls.  Except the third quarter, which was kinda entertaining.

TOO BAD

Yeah.

BUT

Some things happened.

LIKE

Greg Oden straight ballin’, 24 and 12 steez.

AND

Ersan Ilyasova’s 1990s facemask continually coming unstrapped.

AND

Roger Mason, Jr. having another good game and reminding us how deep the Spurs are.

AND

Derrick Rose dunked on Greg Oden in a mean way.

AND

Al Thornton having a fantastic game in honor of Jeff Weiss, who was in attendance.

BUT

That’s about it.

SO

Let’s end this.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Al Thornton (31/10/1).  LaMarcus Aldridge (24/13/3).  Tim Duncan (24/12/2).

CHILL OUT

Sasha PavLOLvic, with your bad beard.  The Clippers broadcast team, with your calling the TimberLOLves a ‘trap game.’  Dante Cunningham, with your basketball game.  San Antonio Spurs Coyote, with your word Coyote on the back because duh you’re a coyote.  Juwan Howard.

Morning Bell – 11.19.09

REMEMBER WHEN

Vladimir Radmanovic was in Clueless?

IN RETROSPECT

That was weird.

ON TO THE GAMES

It felt like every game was 100something to 90something.

EXCEPT

The Dallases versus the San Antonios.  That was a grood game.

IT WAS LIKE

Dirk Nowitzki is unguardable.

BUT THEN

Antonio McDyess blocked his shot.

THEN

Tim Duncan gots busy in the post.

AND THEN

Dirk started setting totally bizarre curled high screens that got Jason Terry wide-open, leaving Dirk a chance to get a huge tipback.

THEN

Duncan in the post, of course.

THEN

Duncan making an amazing recovery off a really weird switchbutnotreally with Keith Bogans.

LEADING TO

The Mavs Dirking it all over overtime.  Just a great game.  And good.  Great and good.

UNLIKE

The Knicks/Pacers jawn that I turned off, after I tuned in after missing most of Danny Granger’s first half explosion.  Burned.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Dirk Nowitzki (41/12).  Antawn Jamison (31/10/2).  Chris Douglas-Roberts (31/10/3/superlong jersey name).  Carlos Boozer (21/18/2)

CHILL OUT

Kris Humphries, with your trying to dunk on everybody.  Opposing NBA coaches, with your putting slow pseudocenters on Dirk down the stretch.  The NBA, with your replay system which is really just a flatpanel TV that the scorer’s table turns around.  Juwan Howard.

Morning Bell – 11.17.09

SUPPOSEDLY

Juwan Howard dunked last night.

HOWEVER

There are no pictures of it.

AND

The play-by-play credits him with a layup and a ‘two-point shot’.

CONCLUSION

No dunk.

ALSO

Chill out, Juwan Howard.

MOVING ON

How about those basketball games last night?  They were good basketball games.

KIND OF

Yeah, Blazers/Hawks was really only good for the last two minutes of regulation.  Mavs/Bucks was pretty good throughout, but outstanding the for the last quarter and OT.

FACE-OFF

More impressive shot:  Rudy Fernandez’s pumpfake and leaning three to force overtime OR Dirk’s eighteen bounces off the rim game winner?

I CAN’T DECIDE

On one hand, Rudy’s was incredible because it was a super tough shot from an awkward angle.  On the other hand, you knew Dirk was going fadeaway jumper, and you knew it was going in.  And it did.

SO

You choose, in the comments.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Joe John…son (35/3/9).  Dirk Nowitzki (32/11/3).  Brandon Jennings (25/7/8).

CHILL OUT

Ersan Ilyasova, with your 1990s facemask.  Charlie Bell, with your never knowing what to do with the ball.  LaMarcus Aldridge, with your never helping on defense.  Drew Gooden, with your fancy pants dribble moves.  Juwan Howard.

Morning Bell – 11.16.09

I DO

I would like some turkey.

A QUESTION

Has anyone seen Chris Bosh lately?

WHY?

Because he went missing during the fourth quarter of last night’s game.

ZINGER?

Totally a zinger.

BUT SERIOUSLY

In the last ten minutes and twelve seconds of a game that was ultimately decided by one point, Bosh went 1-5 from the field and 1-2 from the line.  He had two rebounds, two fouls, and an assist.

AND

It was basically because of Jared Dudley.

WHAT?

That’s what I’m saying.  Jared Dudley is a fine player.

BUT

He’s still Jared Dudley.  Come on, Chris Bosh.

SPEAKING OF JARED DUDLEY

Apparently, he fades his hair at his sideburns?  So that his linebeard doesn’t connect to his hair?  It’s weird.

ALSO WEIRD

That Grant Hill went back to his 1990s fade.  And Amar’e's “beard” in general.  Get it together, Phoenix Suns.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Kevin Durant (40/8/1).  Aaron Brooks (33/6/4).  Amar’e Stoudemire (30/8/2).

CHILL OUT

Matt Harpring, with your saying Michael Jordan isn’t a pioneer even though he was the first guy to have a shoe company built around him.  Hedo Turkoglu, with your two dribbles and a pull-up.  Juwan Howard.

Morning Bell – 11.12.09

[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRj-lSXrkPY]

MAYBE

The Suns are good?

MAYBE

Trevor Ariza doesn’t suck?

MAYBE

Zach Randolph will keep trying all year?

WHITE PETE SAYS

The NBA is CRAZY in here.

BUT

We’re learning.

FOR INSTANCE

We told Rasual Butler to chill out with his rasdual arm sleeves.

AND

He did.

PLUS

We learned that when the announcer says “Hughes, pull-up jumper,” it’s still a safe bet that it’s not going in.

ANOTHER THING

Last night, Eddy Curry was interviewed about returning from injury.  He said the hardest part was starting to drink low-calorie juices.

SERIOUSLY

That’s what he said was the hardest part about returning from a torn calf muscle.

WHOOPS?

Whoops.

BIG UP YOURSELF

The Suns (75 points in the first half).  Danny ‘Bootysweat’ Granger (31/16/3).  Carmelo Anthony (32/10/2).  Brandon Jennings (32/4/9).  Kevin Durant (30/10/4).

CHILL OUT

Marco Bellinelli, with your trying to break Rajon Rondo’s jump pass record.  Byron Scott, with your uninspiring speeches for an uninspired, uninspiring team.  Stacey King, with your telling Chris Bosh he has to “go hard down low” when you are Stacey King from the 1990s Chicago Bulls.  Juwan Howard.

Morning Bell – 11.11.09

LAST NIGHT

Was almost the best night.

WHY?

Because Brad Miller’s miracle shot happened.

BUT

Then it didn’t happen.

SOUNDS FISHY

You mean to tell me that a seven foot, totally awkward, pasty white guy can’t catch, turn, and shoot in .3 seconds?

WELL THEN

I would believe you.

OH YEAH

I was there.

ACTUAL THINGS I SAID

“Dang it.  This game is over.  Chauncey never misses free throws.”

FOLLOWED BY

“Might as well stick around for the last .3 seconds.  Something crazy might happen.”

AND THEN

Something crazy happened.  Right in front of us.  By my favorite bro.

LIKE I SAID

It was almost the best night.

BUT THAT MEANS

I didn’t see any other games.  But thanks to the World Wide Web, I can read boxscores.  So…

BIG UP YOURSELF

Dwade (41/5/5). Erick Dampier (14/20).  Joakim Noah (12/21/2 blocks).  LaMarcus Aldridge (16/12).

CHILL OUT

John Salmons, with your corner threes.  Brad Miller, with your pretty bad game and slow fingertips.  Mike Conley, with your constant smiling.  Juwan Howard.

Morning Bell – 11.10.09

IN THIS ANALOGY

The bat is the Raptors, and Manu is Manu.

BECAUSE

Last night was vintage Manu.

WE’RE TALKING

36 points on 15 shots. 6 for 8 from three.  14 for 16 from the free-throw line.  Plus eight assists, four rebounds, and a steal.

OH

And four blocked shots.  And no personal fouls.

FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF

+21.

THAT’S WHY

The Raptors are the bat.

IN OTHER NEWS

The Knicks had no one to guard Carlos Boozer.

YET

Carlos Boozer remains Carlos Boozer.

SO

That’s weird that no one could guard him.

ALSO

Andrei Kirilenko is a pair of hornrim glasses away from being Marty McFly’s dad.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Manu Ginobili (36/4/8). Steve Nash (21/2/20). Chris Bosh (32/10).  The Warriors (146 points).

CHILL OUT

Brent Barry, with your LFO hair.  Mike D’Antoni, with your running game-winning “plays” for Tony Douglas.  Andrea Bargnani, with your weird pump fake move that was probably a travel.  Juwan Howard.