Author Archives: Paroxi-Wife

Paroxi-Wife Wednesday: Doomsday Approaches

Paroxi-Wife columns may only be marginally related to the game of basketball.  But still, her advice has to be better than Dr. Phil’s.  Right?

In April 2008, I had been married for less than six months, and HP was about the same age. Between the two of these things, I was totally unprepared for the realities of maintaining a relationship with a sports blogger during playoffs. Additionally, I was in a little bit more of a bind than some significant others because my blogger is not just a fan of one team. No, sir, my blogger has to love the LEAGUE. In its entirety. Good and bad teams, but especially the mediocre ones. Every. Single. One.

Okay, enough of writing like him too.

So to say that I was naïve when April 2008 rolled around would be an understatement. To be fair, Matt tried to prepare me by letting me know he wanted to watch every single series, and ideally all the games. He made some bargains and gave up the pivotal third Netflix disc. And still after three days of playoffs, I was a mess, and he was bewildered.

Readers, both bloggers and fans alike, I would like you to learn from this scenario and start working hard to prevent the annual playoffs collapse of your relationship. As such, I have put together a guide, and I’ll be posting thoughts on this until the playoffs start, and possibly through playoffs if I survive the second year. [Thanks to Rob, Corn, Trey and Graydon, and Josh’s technical support, I think the odds are in my favor.]

Preparations for the Playoffs: Laying the Groundwork

  • Start bringing home fresh flowers weekly. These don’t need to be fancy or expensive flowers- grocery store bought is fine. But by this time, we’re all sick of winter and could use something pretty to look at, and these will serve as a bright spot in the day when you bring up playoffs. If flowers don’t fit his/her personality, then find something else of a slightly indulgent, soft-spot kind of nature to bring home instead.
  • Start helping out around the house more without being asked. We’ll know we’re being primed for a favor, but for the most part, people don’t mind being bribed. Or maybe that’s just me.
  • Ask what big projects your significant other would like to do in the next few months, and see if you can do any of these pre-playoffs. Whether it’s cleaning up the yard after winter, rotating the clothes in the closet, or assembling bookshelves that have been in their boxes for months, you would rather get these things done now- and off her to-do list- than be asked to do them in the middle of playoffs.
  • Give the house a good cleaning. This might not seem important, but it is for two reasons: 1) bloggers are not the cleanest people during playoffs because, let’s face it, halftime just isn’t that long; and 2) that way you can pinpoint EXACTLY when everything was last done- just in case you are involved with a nut like me who will suddenly say, “Dude, we have not vacuumed the basement stairs in months! We must do it today!”
  • Suggest to her that the end of April might be a good time for a weekend trip to see her family, best friend, etc. – but make sure it is someone that it would make sense for her to go see by herself.The key when it comes to this is to NEVER make it seem like you are kicking her out or wanting the TV, house, and town to yourself, but rather being upfront about this being an opportune time given the fact you’ll be tied up.If a trip is out of the question, suggest weekend brunches, hanging out with friends she hasn’t seen in awhile locally, or happy hours.

I’ve got plans to consult with Sadie (Corn’s better half), and garner her thoughts on this topic as well.  Together she and I have seen our guys through two playoffs season (although only one as sports bloggers), and her support has always been invaluable.  If you’ve any other suggestions, please feel free to add them.

Now I’m off to get a foot rub while I can, and yell at players who chew on their mouthguards.  So annoying.

Paroxi-Wife Wednesday

Paroxi-Wife columns may only be marginally related to the game of basketball.  But at least it gives you something to read while your wife is trying to tell you about her day, right?

Readers, I am not as fired up as I was last week after The Bachelor.  Not sure what to say about that except Dancing With the Stars doesn’t lead to nearly that much of an emotional reaction.  But I thought I’d leave you all with some thoughts before I take the husband and escape to Las Vegas for a weekend with family.

1. Dwayne Wade has been awesome to watch, which everyone knows.  But all the hype just makes me really relieved that he’s not shacking up with Star Jones, because otherwise we’d all be subjected to her scary face between shots.  Be thankful for this every time you watch a Heat game, kids.

2. I get this whole appreciation of Latin American fans thing that was going on, but don’t you think it would have been cooler if the jerseys had actually had the Spanish words for the teams (El Calor, etc.) and not just the word “the” in Spanish?  Lame.

3. League Pass needs to stop showing Snuggie infomercials, or I’m going to break down and buy one and that’ll totally ruin my image.  Although, my dad actually bought one this weekend (oh, the shame) and discovered they don’t go all the way around you.  But I guess maybe that’s because then it’d just be a really large sweatshirt.

4. People do the stupidest things when they realize they’re on camera.  I really don’t understand it.  Take those fools who sit behind the announcers’ table, and then make peace signs during time-outs.  Do they ever, during a normal day, just flash a peace sign at a crowd of people?  What possesses them to think now would be the BEST TIME EVER to do that for the first time in their lives?

5. Kendrick Prickens runs like a fool.  Fo’ real.  It’s like he’s out for a jog at the Common, not playing a high-intensity game against other professional athletes, some of whom are as big as a Mack truck.

6. I was really sad to see that Skeets called Numb3rs the dumbest show on TV.  I finally got Matt into it, AND they keep referencing basketball! I was gloating about what a genius I was- though I was sad to learn I was going to have to stare at Pau Gasol’s ugly mug for an hour- and then got kicked to the curb.

7. Think the Machine ever showers? I can’t figure out if his hair always looks that greasy and disheveled, or if it’s just during the game.  At the same time, he’d be justified not showering, because he’s a Machine, and that might interfere with the wires.  Just another mystery for these times…

8.  I saw these prints and could not stop thinking about which players or teams they would best suit.  This is what being a sports blogger’s wife has done to me.

9. The annoucer is having way too much fun saying “Pau” and “Yao” in the same sentence.  How now brown cow.  See? You’re annoyed your time was wasted while I was playing with sounds and listening to myself rhyme while you’re just trying to get through your night.

Paroxi-Wife Wednesday

Paroxi-Wife columns may only be marginally related to the game of basketball.  But at least it gives you something to read at work, right?

Readers, I apologize for my absence last week, but there was not much basketball-watching to be had in the house as Matt had the death-flu, and I thought any writing I might have done would have a) taken away from my juice-fetching and b) been even less informed than usual.  Thankfully, the Paroxi Household is healthy now, and writing has recommenced.

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NBA Viewership

Corn’s lovely girlfriend and I were cursing everyone associated with The Bachelor calmly discussing the effects Monday night’s Bachelor finale might have on NBA viewership and decided that ABC’s douchery miscalculations could only lead to even higher Nielsen ratings.  Our theory is that wives and girlfriends everywhere will cave and agree to watch NBA games without even bothering to argue in favor of another scripted season of emotional manipulations a reality television show that will go unnamed.  We decided that at least when watching NBA games, we know what we’re signing up for, and hell, there’s some pretty fine looking bachelors throwing around the ball.

This theory may not apply if games are held on ABC.

(FYI:  Image from- no lie- www.deadflowers.org, for “When you don’t care enough to send anything resembling the very best!”  ABC representatives, take note.)

Wade v. LBJ

- Both hot.

- Both have great arms, though they vary in tattoo art (one has lots, one none).

- Both are capable of being scary.

- Difference? I’m fairly certain that physical relations with LBJ would kill mere mortal women.

Miami v. Cavs

- Great game.

- Tall Guy (I don’t even know his name) is a total asset for the Cavs.  He just stands in there, being tall, tipping in shots, catching poor passes, and knocking around rebounds.  If Miami had a Tall Guy, they’d be in business.

- Replacing Tall Guy with Anderson is a bad idea.  I said throughout most of the game that you could replace Anderson with Anderson Cooper, and HE’D be more effective on defense with only his piercing blue eyes to work with than Flopsy Cottontail over there.  Though in the fourth, Anderson did three good things, and I suppose that justifies his contract.  But he’ll never be a Tall Guy.

- Delonte West, DO NOT PUT DOWN YOUR WRIST WHEN YOU FALL.  FO’ REAL.

- It is by and large a dumb decision to foul LeBron during the first half of the game when he is shooting a three.  This is basic cost analysis, and I slept through most of Econ class.

- Mike Brown is a rather ordinary name for an interesting looking fellow.

Boom Watch

My year-long boycott of my boy Baron on account of his unbelievable stupidity is still in effect.  Matt thinks I need to acknowledge that he’s not that great of player, but that’s not the point.  I also boycotted Mark Messier for a year when he left the Rangers for the Canucks after all of his lobbying to play with Gretzky again, and he’s MUCH scarier than Boom.  Lesson: drool-worthy arms will not let you off the hook with me if you’re a moron.  Still, has anyone seen him? Is he coming to his senses?

Eighth Seed in the East and The Knicks

Trey is actually right and I am rooting for the Knicks, not for David Lee’s curls but because Mike D’Antoni’s smirk is just amazing, and they’re a hell of a lot of fun to watch.  I love that every player has had some of their best games against the Knicks, and still, they just keep on rolling.  I also refuse to dump on the Knicks for cutting Starbury because several years of dating people from St. Louis taught me you have to know when to cut your losses and go separate ways.  Plus, I’ve got the MSG love given my affection for the Rangers.

Additionally, Trey, if you need some book recommendations, I’ve got a non-basketball related list.  You know, given the fact that I actually blog somewhere other than on my sugar daddy’s website.


Paroxi-Wife Wednesday

Paroxi-Wife columns may only be marginally related to the game of basketball.  But then again, All-Star weekend only marginally features basketball, so maybe it’s cool.

Unfinished Business: O.J. Mayo/OJAM!

In case I was unclear before, I do actually understand that “J’Anthony,” O.J. Mayo’s middle name is one name/word, but I still am looking at his name in terms of its capital letters, which spell out OJAM.  The only reason this occurred to me is because the guy plays basketball.  If he was a golfer or a bowler, I wouldn’t be advocating we all call him “OJAM” because it wouldn’t fit (unless he liked jam).  So even though it might not be technically accurate, I’m arguing that OJAM! is a solid recommendation for a nickname, especially the more he rocks.  When he’s not really on, I feel lame saying, “OJAM….?” but I’m willing to persevere.

All-Star Weekend Thoughts

MM wasn’t at all excited about the 3-point contest at all until I exclaimed, “But I love 3-point shooters!” and then suddenly he was interested at the EXACT SAME TIME our V-Day dinner was ready.  So either I’m persuasive or he really doesn’t like crab enchiladas.  Regardless, I hold you in high regard if you’re a decent 3-point shooter.

Dear Terrell Owens,  What the hell are you doing in Phoenix, you inconsistent fantasy football drain?  Why am I forced to look at you during basketball season?  If you’ve got time to give interviews, you’ve got time to do stair repeats.  You’d better get to it or I’ll put you on my list to drop should I draft you again- right after Willis McGahee.  Sincerely, Your Angry Fantasy Owner

Dwight Howard, you clean up just fine.  Very nice gray suit for your coaching gig.  And I don’t care if the dunk contest was rigged, it was still pretty badass of you to dunk on a 12-foot basket. I’m amazed you haven’t rescued more kittens from trees.

Dear Pau Gasol: you are FIRED from ever passing a ball behind your back.

Also, I figured out who Pau reminds me of: Mr. Tumnus, the faun from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.  Granted, this could be seen as an insult to Mr. Tumnus (and James McAvoy), but see for yourselves…

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I really feel like I should have something to say about Kevin Durant, but I wasn’t rooting for him during the HORSE contest, and I missed the second half of the Rookie/Sophomore game due to messing around on the internet, so I’m out.  I will say that I’m not completely on the Durant bandwagon because he hasn’t really excited me beyond my apathy.  I’m thinking he’ll grow into much more of a presence as he gets older.

MJ, it is categorically less than classy to grope your itty-bitty girlfriend’s ass during a photo-op.  Just bend you elbow for a minute and leave us all able to blissfully ignore your sexcapades.

Bill Russell, on the other hand, seems like a very classy gentleman, and not just because he reminds me of Morgan Freeman.  Always give props to your team, kids, those are the people  who will bail you out of jail without threatening to embarrass you at family reunions.

TRADES

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Dude, I’m not happy.  First, Baron  Davis decides to be a moron and I’m out a Warlocks team, so I transferred the whole of my affections to New Orleans and CP3.  But now, they’re sold out and CP is going to be madder than, well, a hornet, and I’m right back to where I was: without an interesting slightly underdog team to root for in the playoffs.  Just another way the economy is affecting everyday people like me.  Argh.  I bite my thumb at you, mortgage lenders!

FOR THE RECORD

I would like it noted that a full two weeks before MM really got on board, I was saying, “Who’s that guy?” about David Lee, and Matt told me he was some guy who was good but not great.  Now, Matt thinks he’s the bomb, and I think I scooped him.

Additionally, I’m the one who pointed out that Michael Beasley needs to stop leaving his guy and sliding down to try to double on D, because he keeps getting schooled.  You’re not in Kansas anymore, Mike.  At least Wade’s got your back.

Paroxi-Wife Wednesdays!

Since Matt rarely posts my funniest comments or starts the movements I tell him he should, I decided to take matters into my own hands and abuse my admin log-in that was originally intended for my use as an editor.  Thus you are now graced with Paroxi-Wife Wednesdays, a column which I will use to shamelessly pontificate on players and teams in all my non-expert glory.  But who needs to be an expert when you’re hot?  I think Erin Andrews has already answered this question for all of us.

First Matter of Business

O.J. Mayo.  People need to stop referring to him as “O.J.” and take up the nickname I thought of during the draft: “OJAM.”  The reasoning for this is simple.  His name is actually Ovinton J’Anthony Mayo. So, if you do the math on his true intials, they are O.J.A. and NOT O.J.  Therefore, we should all call him “OJAM” which is a helluva lot more fun to say, and let’s face it, the name O.J. ain’t what it used to be after that other guy.  Long live OJAM! (The name tends to lend itself to exclamation marks.  This may or may not work in its favor.)

Random Observations

Also, I think the New Jersey Nets are boring.  I feel no need to back up this statement, as I know nothing about them.  I just think they sound boring.

If you want to get a really dirty look from your significant other this weekend, just wait until they say, “I’m SO pumped about the HORSE contest.”  Then respond, “You mean the GEICO contest?” and you won’t hear another word about All-Star weekend for at least an hour.

Pao Gasol is not attractive.  Please stop zooming in on him after baskets.

I can’t watch Chicago games without thinking of that scene from Scrubs:

I really wish Joakim Noah would do the same thing to all of his hair.  He looks like an asshat.

I’ve said it before, but it’s still true: I like LeBron a lot more since he started making funny commercials.  I appreciate it when people know how to laugh at themselves.  Also, I like Cyndi Lauper too.  But maybe I’m just jones’ing for the arms since I’m boycotting Baron Davis this season, as I’m still mad about his stupidity.  Don’t mess with me; I hold a grudge.

Hard Truths

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Thin mustaches on white guys make them look creepy.  I don’t advise going this route. Hinrich, I’m looking at you.  Either commit or shave.  And while we’re on facial hair, Dwight Howard, you look dumb with those two cottonball-shaped tufts on either end of your chin.

The neck? Not the best place for a tattoo.  And I’m a tattoo girl!  I think they’re hot! But yeah, you need to be out of room on your chest, arms, back and ankles before you go this route, and even then it’s highly questionable unless you have a lot of high-collared shirts.

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And that’s all the gems I’ve got for you today, kids, but I’m sure after being subjected to a weekend of All-Star non-action and speculation on exactly what sexual favors Steve Kerr is holding out for before he agrees to trade Stat, I’ll have a lot more for you.