Author Archives: The Corndogg

The NBA – Where Games Happen: 15 Footer 11/20/09

I Cannot Think of Anything Clever to Write About this Game (i.e. Not Off to a Good Start)
Cleveland @ Indiana, 7pm EST

For the 11 of you not going to see New Moon tonight, feel free to enjoy this NBA game. I expect a monster game (no pun intended) from James, who is clearly frustrated with this team and his inability to overcome the Cavs’ fits of lethargy. I still think they know HOW to win games, but they don’t always do it. Meanwhile, the Pacers are a nice surprise, playing with more hustle and cohesion than in the past and Granger is, predictably, putting up major numbers. Yet, after the embarrasment in DC Wednesday, Lebron will clamp down on Granger and overcome his sore wrist to put forth a winning effort.

What? Are You Not Entertained? Oh. Yeah, Well Me Neither.
Memphis @ Philly 7pm EST

Wow, I really should have chosen more wisely when I signed up to do the 15 today. So, Memphis… Without Iverson trying to Jonestown they lose about, say, 15% of the craziness (Zach Randolph ain’t leaving!), but watching Iverson come back to Philly, sulking, coming off the bench and bitching at the Memphis brass about how he “deserves” to show his former hometown crowd how he can still hold it down — that would have been some great drama. Instead, we get Iggy vs. Gay, Brand vs. Randolph and Dalembert vs. Not Thabeet. Oh, Not Thabeet, please hurry back. Your massive aura of suck just makes writing these entries ten times easier. BTW, how’s those Ensure shakes?

What’s the Line on this Game? 258? TAKE THE OVER!
Miami @ Toronto 7pm EST


Your eyes will get tired watching this game. Delayed gratification, perhaps, as Miami will try and slow the game down early and Spoelstra may work with some quirky lineups to match the crazy heigth of the Raps. Ultimately, Bosh and Wade will end up just playing for each other (since there is still hope that scenario might be true come Summer 2010) and the rest of the guys will follow suit. I fully expect at least 1 of Jermaine O’Neal’s legs to fall off during this game – which is worth the Canadian price of admission. FUN!

Stat Geek Party!
Houston @ Atlanta 7:30EST


Crazy. German. Numbers. Disco. WOWOWOWOW! Atlanta makes me happy in pants. Crazy lineup combos, super efficient offense, lots of style. Houston: roughly ditto. The Rockets make my brain breakdance. For more insight into the Houston vibe, give a big up (that means “check out this web page”) to Rahat Huq, who is taking over the Rockets area of the TrueHoop Network. He’s already been initiated and he still can’t stand up straight. Give it a week, Rahat!

How Deep is Your Love? By Love I Mean Team.
Orlando @ Boston 8:00pm EST

Expect an Instant Classic. Having Jameer Nelson out means both sides don’t really start on even footing, but that just means SVG will have to find some interesting ways to defend Rondo. I imagine this Magic team switching like crazy (both in defensive sets and with lineups) and doing their best to confuse and tire the Celtics. Boston, though, seems to have lost a significant part of that championship fire that pushed them through the slow times a couple years ago. Perhaps that desire has undergone a quiet transition to Orlando. You could say… it’s MAGIC. Look for Boston to try and crack some skulls. Look for Orlando to shoot the lights out and inch by with a really tough win.

Kevin Durant is Totally a Tween Star. Eat Your Heart Out, New Moon!
Washington @ Oklahoma City 8:00EST


Seriously, KD is so much cuter than Rob Pattison. For serious. Plus, he’s way better at basketball. You know, cause that matters to 14 year old girls. Even with Jamison back, expect a blockbuster (hey-yo!) night from Durantula. See, there’s a new movie monster. I get dibs on action figure revenues.

‘Reke, Dirk. Dirk, ‘Reke. Engage in Competition
Sacramento @ Dallas 8:30EST

Dirk is currently the MVP. ‘Reke is currently in a tie for ROY w/ Brandon “55 in that eye” Jennings, IMO. So, they get to show off on a Friday night. Sounds saucy.

But Moooooooom, I Don’t Wanna Haveta Guard Brandon Jennings
Charlotte @ Milwaukee 8:30EST


I bet Raymond Felton and D.J. Augustin were watching the news yesterday and, when they saw the FAA glitches that shut down all US flights for a while, prayed that it would happen again today. Mammoth night ahead for Jennings as Charlotte is still trying to lobotomize SJax and get this team playing well together.

Hey, Nate, Brind Ole Nellie Some of them Tasty Microbrews, Will Ya?
Portland @ Golden State 10:30EST


Sorry for all the beer references (HP does not condone binge drinking, you little rapscallions), but Nellie is truly on crusie control right now. He is, essentiall, Don Draper - crushing everything in his path, diabolical to a fault and loves his libations! In fact, I think the Warriors should shoot a commerical where they are all Mad Men characters. That would rule. Heck, it would sure beat getting OdenSmashed.

And One to Grow On
Denver @ L.A. Clippers 10:30EST

No one likes getting spanked, even the Clippers. Well, life’s tough.

15 Footer 10.29.09

Hi, my name is DeJuan, but you may call me DESTRUCTIONFACE!
San Antonio @ Chicago 8:00EST

G-Chat conversation with Moore last night (Playing off his remarks that DeJuan Blair cannot possibly be as good as the other HPers imagine – as seen in our G-chat league Preview)

me: oh, btw, dejuan blair cannot be THAT good
i mean, 29 other GMs passed on him and Buford was an  idiot for taking him 52nd, right?
Moore: there’s no way to know he was this good
and hey, look, if he blows out his knee in five minutes, the point still exists
me: IF
Moore: it’s a nice pick for the spurs, but I don’t think you can say the other GMS are idiots
the injury concerns were there
I blame teams for taking obviously bad players, not for not taking injury risks
me: if that reason brings you solace, so be it
Moore: shut up
me: im serious
that wasnt meant as a dig
got the WS score?
Moore: not for you
me: good thing I have internets, you cry baby
wah wah wah, R.C. Buford just boned 29 other GMs
im taking my blog and going home

Judging by that metric (mind you, this happened during the beginning of a 2nd quarter I wasn’t even watching) and by the fact that the Spurs got nearly 100 points from guy NOT name Duncan or Jefferson, it is safe to assume that the Spurs are downright MEAST-LY this season. Sure, who knows what could happen (for all we know, Ty Thomas could slice open Manu’s juggular with a swiftly timed Nike to the neck as he flying from 14ft. out for a monster putback), but last night’s performance was dirty.

The Rose/Parker matchup will be phenomenal, but outside of that, there is little evidence that the collection of mid-level talent and still under-developed potential on the Chicago roster can do more than offer intermittent entertainment and the occasional sick slam for their fans. Wait, cheerleaders on trampolines can do that too. It’s gonna be a long year, Bulls fans.

Legitimately Cool/Interesting Matchup. Zippity!
Denver @ Portland 10:30EST

It’s a shame that the Spurs & Lakers are so dominant in the West, because a team like Denver deserves a lot more rep than it will get this year. Tangentially, Portland’s continued growing pains and poor coaching by Nate MacMillan will reamin overshadowed by the race to #3 in the playoffs.

If a greater power is watching over us, hoop heads tonight will get 15+ minutes of Bayless/Lawson whimsy. It’s early coaches, why not let these two Ferraris burn some rubber all over the court tonight? And poor Oden, having to go up against 2 tall, quick bigs for the second game in a row – the guy just has no chance. It’s far too early to call the Big Chill anything close to a bust, but it is becoming increasingly apparent that Greg may never have the explosiveness he needs to go from real promise to real dominant. Other bigs in the league are getting more agile and athletic, while Oden’s body (and now, his mind) just won’t allow him to unleash the beast we saw in high school and that one year at tOSU.

On the bright side, look for another monster night from Melo and some old school hustlin’ from Chauncey. There’s too much interior D for Denver and not enough firepower from Portland here. But, everytime I doubt Roy, Roy makes me pay. So, tonight, consider my wallet gleefully (hopefully) open for business.

We Now Live in a Post-Damien Wilkins World

I do not come to scare you.

Rather, I come out a of a sense of duty, honor and justice to deliver this stark, necessary and very real message. Today, just two night’s into the full NBA season, our wold has been irrevocably changed and not for the better. We must stay vigilant, recognize our altered atmosphere and remain more committed than ever to win this war in which we have been forced to engage.

I am talking about a Post-Damien Wilkins world.

I speak out only because I love this league, its fans, its promise, its hope. But today, against all forces working together to prevent this cataclysmic day from dawning (and you tried, you really really tried, Trey), we must accept our fate. Our NBA Cassandra spoke presciently, but we remained mired in fits of glee about the improbable skill set of Anthony Morrow or the Soul-Glowishness of James Harden’s beard.

We shall never know those joys again, for darker forces have descended upon us. Yet, I encourage you all to take solace in this new begining – not of this nightmare fuel I have just described – instead, think of the many months of potential glory and elation we have ahead. Do not let this temporary setback (and Lord, do I pray that it is temporary) keep you from embracing this NBA season with all your heart and all your humor. I hope, in some small way, that these words have helped.

And so, dear friends, this is the season we have before us. Remain uplifted, embolden your resolve and trust me when I say that is, truly, always darkest before the dawn.

The Realest Realist

james

I haven’t been hawking my non-stop brand of silliness around the old HP interwebs for a while. To be honest, I have been bottle up in some political workings that haven’t left me sufficient time to comb through the absurdity of the offseason and find some priceless pieces to lampoon.

However, this morning I found an article that hit me hardest where my two allegiances lie: one to the League and one to our Country (I beg pardon with Skeets, Melas, Mackenzie, et. al who are of the Canadian persuasion). Tim James, former NBA forward and one of the best players in University of Miami history, has been the subject of a brief profile on his courageous decision to leave the world of sport and join the front lines of America’s war in Iraq.

Now, regardless of your feelings about the U.S. led wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, I still find it incredibly brave and selfless to see someone who had made a comfortable living as a professional athlete take a principled stand and listen to a higher calling. His former coaches, teammates and Miami Heat personnel are sending well wishes and gift baskets for Tim and all those in his platoon. It’s times like these when I really respect the community and the closeness these players share with their organizations, fans and colleagues.

So, I encourage all of you to wish Tim James well and see if there is anything we can do, as a blog network, to pay tribute to Mr. James and so many others like him who are undertaking this selfless, dangerous assignment.

Thanks to Matthew Bunch over at our Truehoop Network affiliate Hot Hot Hoops for outlining this story as well. It’s because of folks like Tim James that we can all take the NBA this seriously. Think about that, and be proud.

Don’t Forget the Fabric Cleaner, Stephon

Have you ever wondered what side of the bed Stephon Marbury sleeps on?

What about how many eggs he eats for breakfast?

Does he have an Isiah face on his boxing speed bag?

And, who is that dude with the camera?

All this and more can be yours when you take a trip, down the rabbit hole (or just click on this link) and get your 24 Marbury fix TODAY! That’s right, Stephon Marbury has invited you to witness his world (OMG, who will he text first? IDK!) live on the internets.

Stephon has recently informed the raptured crowd of 1 a dozen countless followers that he just got his workout on and is getting ready to go hit the streets of L.A. This is Being John Malkovich, Adaptation and some really bad Dane Cook movie all rolled into one. Supposedly you can tweet him things to do, but I haven’t seen it yet. How can you ask Stephon to show everyone that Isiah face on his punching bag in 140 characters or less?

Regardless, this is a fabulous, quixotic journey into the mind and manner of one of the League’s most enigmatic and unusual players. Curb Your Enthusiasm – it Stephon and his (just recently) admitted ugly feet. He’s gotta get them feet done.

(Hat Tip: BDL)

It’s All Too Perfect

As a Bobcats supporter, I am currently very afraid. Please think about the following scenario.

Bobcats cut Sean May loose today (day before draft).

Michael Jordan decides who Bobcats are drafting. Bobcats need a shooting guard w/ size and 3 point shooting ability more than anything.

Jordan loves UNC more than he loves the Bobcats. Jordan convinces himself the May loss was a necessary evil, but now, he is short on UNC players on the roster.

Gerald Henderson, who tons of draft sights have going to the Bobcats, went to Duke. Bobcats decide to not take Henderson at the 12. Bobcats have been rumored to have promised Terrence Williams (Louisville) to take him at the 12. Either Williams or Henderson would be a great fit for Charlotte. Neither Williams nor Henderson went to UNC.

Bobcats just let go a 6’9″ guys with hustle and underrated skills who just didn’t fit in the NBA. Tyler Hansbrough went to UNC. Tyler Hansbrough is also a 6’9″ guy with hustle and underrated skills who won’t fit in in the NBA.

Jordan convinces Larry Brown he needs Hansbrough more. Larry Brown tells Jordan he is crazy. Jordan pimp slaps Brown. Brown loves guys who play D and hustle. Larry Brown loves UNC.

Bobcats draft Hansbrough with the 12.

Bobcats fail to improve most necessary area on their team and still don’t sell tickets because UNC don’t care about the NBA.

Corndogg wins “friendly wager” from Matt.


Yippie. I can haz Jordan’s respect.

The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side

I have a friend. We’ll call him “Z.” Everyone has a friend just like him. Luckier than a rabbit’s foot full of four leaf clovers. He is always finding himself in cool situations like hitting 23 on Roulette with his last $100, getting a first class ticket to Dubai for no other reason than he was the 1,000,000 customer at kiosk 41273 at JFK Airport or sinking a birdie put, a la Happy Gilmore, after a camera stand crashes in front of his ball on the 18th – to win lifetime membership to Augusta.

Now, I don’t know if these 3 specific things happened to “Z,” but I feel fairly certain that some things, not too awful different from these instances, have occured. In fact, one of them did the other day.

nash

Yesterday, at his subway stop, “Z” just happens to recognize the above hipster. Just another everyday, common Williamsburg-ian Brooklynite heading to their job at a Park Avenue advertising agency or the Times Square Starbucks. You know, for irony. Nope, he starts chilling with Steve Nash. They BS for 5 minutes. “Z” gets his picture. They are probably now best friends, “Z” will be watching the home opener courtside and staying at the W in Phoenix with all you can eat raw, organic vegetables (because I imagine that is how Nash rolls) in his penthouse suite. He might even become honorary godfather to Nash’s kids. Or, he could have just gotten to talk with all around nice guy Steve Nash for a few minutes at a subway stop in Manhattan – like about 150 other people do each week.

Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. Congrats, “Z.” The Corndogg is officially jealous.

Now, what superstar might I run into while getting some barbecue in Winston-Salem later today? I’d be lucky if it were Eric Montross.

Truehoop’s Jihad Against My Auditory System

I’m a loyal TrueHoop reader. What NBA head isn’t. Heck, we are even part of the original TrueHoop Network. But it appears that Mr. Abbott might have just stretched himself a little too far in this blogger’s mind. Make that ear, rather.

I came across this post on an otherwise pleasant Thursday afternoon here in the Southeast. And I could not be less pleased.

It should be well known that I am a Public Enemy #1 against Hasheem Thabeet. I bitterly dislike his claims in last season’s NCAA Hoops preview in ESPN the Mag. I don’t like the fact that he is super soft (see photo below) or that he has far too much attitude for a guy who boasts nothing more than about 2 extra feet in height than myself. In short, I am not expecting a big impact from the Big Empty when he gets to the next level.

That being said, I think Thabeet is good kid. I know he had a tough time growing up and got a great chance to immigrate to Houston, then attend UConn and transform himself from basketball novice to certain NBA Lottery pick. But, that doesn’t mean I have to like him.

Worse, it also doesn’t mean that this guy (and his rythmically catch name) has to invade my eardrums, crushing my hammer, anvil and stirrup everytime I want to pump some Go-Gos or Debarge – what, I said it – rolling down a coastal highway this summer. I mean, I am out there on Twitter every night trying to launch the #thabeetfail or #thabeetstopshere tags on the microblogging interwebs. Why must these catchy, summery tunes have to force images of Thabeet getting slammed on by Shaq or being bounced into the stands by a D-Ho power block invade my brain, when all I want is for people to realize that drafting this kid is like playing with dynamite? (i.e. certain destruction). I am talking Sam Bowie potential.

Well, on the other hand, maybe I should just relax. He will be perfect for Grizzlies. Even they have learned to laugh at themselves a bit here and there. Besides, stuff like this is just pure entertainment.

pittsburghvconnecticutc6tkgxflgewl
“Beastie Boys (and Dejuan Blair) known to let Thabeet… Drop!”

Offseason Predictions (Twitter Style)

So we are officially in the offseason. For some, such as myself, this time of the year is even more exciting than the actual NBA season. Hyperboles abound, conspiracy theories run amok and trade rumors generate faster than new internet memes. Well, almost.

Speaking of internet memes, a few Twitter heavy bloggers, starting with the excellent Devine over at City Line started the #offseasonpredictions hashtag and Tweet driver. A few other folks, such as Unsilent Majority from KSK and myself got in a few good ones. Needless to say, these 140 character wishes/hopes/nightmare scenarios became a good way to crack up other bloggers, scare fans and create hilarious jumping off points for future .gif files, photoshops and so much more.

I implore you all to get in on the fun, follow me or Matt and amaze the Twitterati with your prescience and/or sadistic expectations for our favorite NBA stars in these unpredictable months.

If you don’t do Twitter (or don’t want to do Twitter) then drop some comments in the box. But remember, only 140 characters – this is a challenge! And don’t forget the #hashtag.

Some of the favorites from last night include:

Unsilent: Andray Blatche will be injured after getting rolled by a convincing transvestite prostitute. His jumper will regress. #offseasonpredictions

Devine: Andre Iguodala’s going to get way into the one-man shows of John Leguizamo. I mean, INTO ‘em. Like, quoting “Miggy’s.” #offseasonpredictions

Corndogg: Gilbert Arenas starts the microtweeting trend. Just 21 characters n a .gif file. He coins it blippering. #offseasonpredictions

Corndogg: Ricky Rubio visits Memphis. Decides he likes dry rub ribs n being close to tunica. Decides to work out 4 grizz #offseasonpredictions

Corndogg: Glen “big baby” Davis stars in the new Tyler perry joint: Good Will.I.Am Hunting. #offseasonpredictions

See you in the comments and on Twitter, you wild and crazy guys gals folks internet hooligans.

Respect

ph2009061500545(*Ali G finger snap!)

Today, I am grateful for a few things. I am glad the Lakers won the NBA Championship. They deserved it. Throughout the entire playoffs, they never got too frustrated, they always made time shots/stops and they had been building this team for this moment over the last 2 years. And it paid off. After some turmoil, some sulking (last year’s Finals) and some hate, the Lake show proved what we all were wanting to deny since last Fall – that they were good enough, smart enough and doggone it – well, really good enough – to win the title.

However, the one thing I am most grateful for today is, in so few words, hope. I hope that this title, this vindication of Kobe, this dominating performance throughout will finally turn the tide on the Laker chatter throughout the blogosphere and in the MSM. Sure, winning it all isn’t going to make Kobe haters less angry. Far from it. But, what it can do, and what I hope it actually does, is turn the Lakerrati away from always being on the defensive, always up in arms about Kobe and the rest and turns that passion into peace.

Don’t get me wrong. HP will still find ways to antagonize Laker fans and Kobe diehards. It’s part of our DNA. But now, in this moment of triumph, I would like to see these fans, after taking the very long and very justified moment in the sun, chill out. You have done it. You made history. Mamba minue Shaq. The past 7 years are but whisper in time. If you want to drop a few “I Told You Sos,” that’s fine too. We can handle it. We’re big boys and girls around here.

But please just turn the check. Embrace your power and look forward. You’ve got a very bright future and, besides, if you wanted to settle every grudge you had with those less enamored with any one of a million aspects of the Lakers, you’d have be a modern Methuselah.

So, congrats to Kobe, Fish, even Machine and Ammo. And especially, congrats to Phil Jackson – you, sir, are the greatest.

And just for fun, and because we love you all, please feel free to go back and peruse the great work we hosted for our first (and most likely only) annual Kobe Bryant Blog Day. I am sure someone predicted this…

(Photo courtesy of Washington Post)