Author Archives: Maddison Bond

Imaginary Numbers: LaMarcus Aldridge

Imaginary Numbers is an endeavor to bring you, the reader, arts and culture the likes of which you have probably seen before and done much better. As we grapple with the limits of knowledge about players and narratives, it becomes necessary to invent new systems to change how we view the world around us. Much like Heron of Alexandria and Carl Friedrich Gauss who championed complex numbers thought to be entirely useless, we will charge gallantly into a new realm of fictitious works that bridge the gap between reality and the imagined. What follows is something completely, almost wholly, untrue.

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LaMarcus Aldridge has been called many things: All-Star, Number 12, Big-Gear-in-a-Clock-or-Something-Mechanical-with-Gears, but none so misleading as soft.  Even though Aldridge has a reputation for loving the outside shot he still proves to be a monster in the low post – one time being awarded two free throws by Joey Crawford after a monster jam throw down for the only known four point play off a dunk. The moniker’s roots lie not in a man who went to college for engineering with a minor in clock making (this is why LaMarcus is so great at understanding gear metaphors), but in an early-career incident that haunts him to this day despite leading the league in silky smooth jumper rating with .904, or 800 thread count. Thanks to confidential sources, the true birth place of the “soft” adjective has been found: in Aldridge’s second year with the Blazers when Nicolas Batum joined the team. Looking to bond with his new teammates the Frenchman Batum would bring cheese and crackers to snack on and share with everyone during practice. In between low post drills, Aldridge would heartily devour the delicious water crackers and lather them with gobs of Brie and Chèvre and wash them down with French Squeez-Its, called Le Squeezè. Big man Joel Pryzbilla noticing LaMarcus’ love of the gooey, milk-fermented cheeses, decided to take part in one last moment of hazing and dubbed the sophomore power forward “soft” and the rest is history. So in the future when talking about LaMarcus Aldridge, who is shooting 133 for 167 on being found a handsome man by Japanese fans, don’t call him soft, it’s just cheesy.

If you are interested in purchasing a genuine, digital print for yourself to own, you can find this image along with many more here.

Imaginary Numbers: Kobe Bryant

Ed. Note: Imaginary Numbers is a recurring series from the artistic NBA Combine of Maddison Bond’s mind. You may have seen his work elsewhere around the interwebs, including The Classical and in our own HP 2012-13 Season Preview Guide. You can scope out (and buy!) Maddison’s work here. And don’t forget to check out Ananth’s In the Paint feature with Maddison.
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Imaginary Numbers: #LetBonnerShoot

Ed. Note: Imaginary Numbers is a recurring series from the artistic NBA Combine of Maddison Bond’s mind. You may have seen his work elsewhere around the interwebs, including The Classical and in our own HP 2012-13 Season Preview Guide. You can scope out (and buy!) Maddison’s work here. And don’t forget to check out Ananth’s In the Paint feature with Maddison.
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There’s an earnestness and realness to Matt Bonner, an extremely tall man who works very hard to be quite good at basketball. Loping up the court, slowly and surely, I can’t help but think his gait instills a gentile sense in me. I’m not dissing the guy — quite to the contrary, he has perfected his style: meticulous, mechanical, and without flair. Most people call it workman-like, but that’s a montage-esque word that condenses too much effort with two short words. The way he moves, and the precision of his three point shot reflect back on to him, a seeming anomaly amongst much defter and powerful players, to the point that I wonder “Why is this guy in the game?” and then he releases an angle three. There’s a hitch, and a hop, and finally the ball comes flying out to perfectly swish through the net. The shot mechanics looks like some kind of wizard’s contraption that you don’t quite trust, yet works wonderfully.

When I met Matt, he was just as I imagined him to be: incredibly nice with a sense of humor similar to mine (it helped that I had seen his Coach B videos). He said to me “It’s really great that you aren’t one of those weirdos,” and it made me realize that we are both normal guys, but he is incredibly more skilled at basketball and a good foot taller than me. By being a Matt Bonner fan I acknowledge that I am somewhat different from the rest of sports fandom: I want to see a guy who runs like I do, could be me if he wasn’t 6’10”, and most of all, shuns the post to jack up beautiful threes. These are my reasons for believing Matt Bonner should be in the Three Point Shootout, and should he fail to be, it is a slap in the face of all fans.