Monthly Archives: September 2008

It’s Not Wrong To Love Winners, It’s Wrong To Be A Loser

INT. Cavs Training Camp Locker Room

Mo Williams: Man, it’s good to be here. It’s so much warmer here! It’s like a tropical paradise! And all these weapons! Ben Wallace, Anderson Varejao, Wally Szczerbiak? I feel like a kid in a candy store!

LeBron James: Hey, guys! How is everyone? Good? Good? I don’t care. At all. About any of you. Let’s try this damn thing one more time, see if we can’t actually play something resembling basketball, what do you say?

Daniel Gibson: Sure thing, Skipper!

Mo Williams: Oh, hey, LeBron! I know we haven’t gotten to talk in person since the trade, I just wanted to say what’s up and say how excited I am to be playing with you.

LeBron: You’re the new guy in charge of giving me the ball and taking the blame when we lose, right?

Mo: Well, I’m your new point guard.

LeBron: What about that guy?

LeBron points to Delonte West who’s hanging upside down in a corner like Michael Keaton in ‘Batman.’

Mo: Oh, well, he’s going to be a great part of our offense, off the bench. He’ll be great.

Delonte West: ….I’m Batman.

LeBron: Whatever, whatever. Hey, how you like my hat?

Mo: Oh, it’s… um… great. But I have to ask you… I mean, it’s a Yankees hat. Are you sending a signal that that’s where you want to be? Just between us.

LeBron: NO, man! How many times do I have to tell people! I have always been a Yankees fan.

Mo: Oh, I didn’t know that! That makes perfect sense!

LeBron: Yeah, man! I don’t know why everyone’s freaking out. They were good when I was a kid, so I was a fan. Same thing with this Cowboys jersey. And my collection of Jordan jerseys. And my Patrick Roy jersey. And my Tiger Woods hat.

Mo: Oh, well, you certainly like winners. But I bet you’re loyal to them, now, right?

LeBron: Hell, no! The Cowboys were my favorite team until the Broncos won. Man, Elway was my favorite player ever. Until the Rams won. No one will ever touch Marshall Faulk, you know? But then Tom Brady, man, that was when I really found my team. That was a team made for me.

Mo: Oh, I haven’t seen you in a Patriots jersey…

LeBron: Duh. That’s because the Cowboys are my favorite team! Aren’t you listening?

Mo: So why do you still have the Yankees hat?

LeBron: Because you don’t abandon the ship when it looks really awesome! God! Where are you from?

Mo: Well, I just came from Milwaukee…

LeBron: What’s a Milwaukee? Oh, wait, is that where that Australian dude plays? I love Fosters. And that guy that carried my bags during the Olympics is there, too, right?

Mo: You mean Michael Redd? One of the best shooters in the game?

LeBron: Whatever. I’m thinking about getting myself a Giants jersey. They’re pretty good, right?

Mo: So you just attach yourself to whoever’s biggest at that moment, with no regard for loyalty or long term traditions?

LeBron: I hate losers.

Mo: But the Cavs have never won a championship and have yet to show that they can get over the hump with this core of players. So how does that figure into you not leaving for New York in two years?

LeBron: Yo, I gotta go. Jay-Z’s on the phone. He’s got a killer chicken pesto recipe for me.

Delonte West: … I’m Batman.

Mo: This is bad.

The Arbitrarian: lim(n–>today) p(Arbitrarian|n)=0

David Sparks is the Arbitrarian. His groundbreaking statistics column runs ran weekly here at HP. But now he’s moving on to working for an NBA team, while I’m stuck making Crazy Pills jokes with the rest of the animals. Sigh. Bastard. In all seriousness, David has been a joy to work with, and a great member of HP. We hope you’ve enjoyed his work as much as we have, and we wish him nothing but the best of luck in his future endeavors. He’s got a bright future in a league that discovers more and more every day the value of metrics. This is his farewell post. Do us a solid, and let David know how much you liked his stuff in the comments. Cheers, David. Once we’ve stopped crying over David and playing Peter Gabriel, we’ll work on getting a new stats columnist. Keep your eyes open.

At least for the time being, the Arbitrarian is going on hiatus. I have been honored with an offer to intern for a very successful professional basketball franchise, and so my statistical work will be for that team, no longer pro bono publico.

It has been an honor and a privilege to work with this group of excellent writers at HP, and it has been endlessly entertaining to engage with you readers in the process. I am sure that I have learned more than I have taught in the interaction–thank you for your patience and willingness to share your insight–I appreciated every comment, response, and e-mail I have received.

Special thanks goes to my co-bloggers here, who have been nothing but supportive; the fine thinkers at APBRmetrics (to whom I owe much); and most of all my wife, who has encouraged me in all my endeavors, even this one.

I hope you will join me in continuing to follow Hardwood Paroxysm and its peerless coverage of our favorite league, and I truly hope that you think about the world with a different, more Arbitrarian, mindset.

There Is A Finite Amount Of Time Before We Pwn You

Sweet Jesus, there’s an NBA game on Sunday. An actual, real, live, NBA game, with referees and paint, and posses in the audience, and bad halftime shows, and fadeaway jumpers and no pansy international game styles and terrible hairstyles, and bad shot selection and everything!

The season’s coming, mofos.

We’ve got season previews starting next Tuesday. We’re working on some surprises. We’ve got that old feeling back.


Oh, and we’re renaming the Ball Movments the 15 Footer. Again. I know. We tried something new. It just didn’t fit.

Oh, and there’s absolutely no reason to go to None. At all. Yet.

Countdown: 30

“I beseech those whose piety will permit them reverently to petition, that they will pray for this union, and ask that He who buildeth up and pulleth down nations will, the mercy preserve and unite us. For a Nation divided against itself cannot stand.”-Sam Houston

Inspired by and blatantly ripped off from EDSBS, with permission.

NBA blog of the day: Upside and Motor