Ben Q. Rock from Third Quarter Collapse mentioned that we should start keeping track of all the bad trade proposals we run across. He mentioned this in a therapeutic sort of way so that he will have less of an urge to do a Sylvia Plath Casserole Bake when he reads one. If you see a trade proposal that makes absolutely, positively no sense, send it to hardwoodparoxysm(at)gmail.com. Enjoy the idiocy.
You know how in years past, everybody thought it was awesome to rag on the dunk contest, mostly because the field is divided into nobodies and guys that don’t really care, and that there’s no real competition to it?
1. When The Going Gets Good, The Good Score A Lot Of Points: A rare night of par excellence tonight. Here are just the stars that are on tonight, on a Thursday no less! Kevin Durant, LeBron James, Tim Duncan, Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, Kobe Bryant, Chauncey Billups, Rasheed Wallace, Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitski, Josh Howard, Jub-Jub. See? We’re loaded tonight! Good thing there’s nothing else big on televisi….crap.
2. The Missing Luke: What? The Lakers are playing on a Thursday night and they’re not on national television? Shocking! This should be a pretty good one, if you like watching the Lakers fall hard. Meanwhile, the Pistons should be in cruise control, and they’re still beating teams handily, 3 in a row. Oh yeah, and they’re 15-4 at home. But Luke Walton’s out with an injury. So the Lakers have that going for them.
3. Today’s Frighteningly Obvious Statement: “Boy, It’s A Good Thing They Traded For Garnett”: The El Tigre-less Celtics host the Mavs tonight. And with KG on the shelf, they haven’t exactly looked awesome. I mean, don’t get me wrong, beating the Heat by 30 is great, but it’s still, you know, beating the Heat by 30. Tonight they get a tougher matchup with Dirk and JHo-Ho coming in. Avery squashed the silly trade rumors, this team is third in the West, and now the Celtics have no one to match up on the Big Wienerschnitzel. Well, except for Leon Powe. Somehow we don’t see a repeat of Tuesday.
4. One Ankle To Decide Them All: Here’s the long and short of it. Bron-Bron is banged up because of the boo-boo he took while bumming out the Blazers. If Bron can’t ball, Boobie will have to be the best and break it down with Shannon Brown. Kid Delicious will have to decide if he can deflate his detractors by defeating them the same way he downed the Dynasty the other day. And Zydraunus will… crap. Cavs at Sonics, James a gametime decision.
5. “We Have To Go Back”: Are you kidding me? San Antonio versus Phoenix in what could be a tiebreaker for seeding clincher for the Suns, and it’s on right after LOST? This is incredible. This may be the greatest 1-2 punch in the history of epic drama-NBA game combos. This is phenomenal, just phenomenal. And with the kind of great veteran players that… woah, sorry, slipped into my Bill Walton there. Anyway, there are two things you should not f*ck with tonight. Sayid and Amare. Done.
6. Well, That Seems Fair: LeBron and Varejao aren’t the only players he might not play tonight. That’s right. Wally Szczerbiak will also miss the game. So that’s, you know, even. We wanted to put up an equivalent for Tony Parker in the Phoenix game, but no one is a wussy flopping terrific point guard who’s testicles are carried in his wife’s Prada bag on the Suns. Oddly enough.
7. R.C. Buford Might Want To Try Taking Some Of Those Crazy Pills(Via The Corndogg): If the Spurs really want to prove they are a dynasty, try trading for… then winning the championship with Ron “Mugato” Artest. All the Spurs are hurt, no one is playing any defense and they need some character and toughness to get them back into the upper echelon of Western Squads. Hey, they won one with SJax, so why not Ron Ron? Then, and only then, will we give the Spurs some love.
8.In A Corndogg World (Via The Corndogg): I would trade Lebron for Durant, straight up. That way KD and Larry Hughes could have a Horse-Match-Of-Death, where the only thing they do is take bad shots. First one to hit, gets to laugh while the other one bangs Varejao, who then, like a preying mantis, eats their head. My money is on KD… but to do what?
9.Word Of The Day (Via The Corndogg): LEBRUNYAN — which means “a half man-half beast who can switch lhands at will, burst through 5 defenders like they are blow up clowns, bite his fingernails, do a Sprite commercial, make fun of your girlfriend and crap gold — all while in the midst of hitting a 22 foot fall away jumper and calling himself MVP in 10 different languages.” There will be a sighting of this mythical creature tonight in Key Arena.
10. Can You Wear A Spur On A Peg Leg? (Via The Corndogg): Man, the Spurs are beat up. Its like a bunch of circa-2002 Grant Hills out there — no ankles and on a losing team. So, tonight, when the rested, healthy Suns start cranking up the MPH to 5 gajillion, expect Manu to start flopping, only because he is being blasted back by the exhaust. The newly remodeled 2008 GH Superspecial will be doleing out lots of dunks up in Udoka’s grill this evening.
11. Hey, You Wanna Make A Trade? I’ll Give You My 35-8 Record For Your… Nah, JK. LOL. OMG (Via The Corndogg): To go from the prey to the predator in a few short months. Must be good to be Boston. Especially when you see a team like Dallas, who has at least sniffed at a championship (well, before they were left sniffing the Warlocks jocks last year), trying to wheel and deal and blow up their dynasty-caliber team just to get minutely better, while your brilliant front office kicks back and has a Sam Adams. Hey, its 5 o’clock somewhere (Ed. Note: If you click one link in this entire thing, click this one.-Matt).
12. Kobe 4 MVP (Via The Corndogg): Just flew in from LA and boy, are my arms tired!! See, the hits just keep on coming. You’ve been a great audience. I”ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.
13. Trillion Watch: Keith Langford. Alando Tucker, as always.
14. Your Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: $3.6 Million. That’s Robert Horry, ladies and gentlemen. Now, in no way do we doubt that Horry will hit some big shot in the playoffs. That’s a given. But the rest of the time, he’s an absolute black hole on the court. He’s just wandering around, devouring suns and blanking out existence. Basically, he’s getting paid 1 million per three pointer in the playoffs. That’s a sweet gig.
15. Random Wikipedia Article of the Day(Via The Random Article Link; No Cheating): And to bring it full circle, you should watch tonight because there will be so many stars on tonight. So many bright, shining balls of ignited gases. So many brilliant lights of high contracts and expensive shoes. Almost as many stars as there are in Triangulum. Almost, but not quite.
We got to thinking how that conversation has to go…
Geoff Petrie: Okay, I’ve got to do something about this lunatic before he kills Kevin Martin and everyone he’s ever loved, or does a naked interpretive dance during the game or something. Let’s see…
*Geoff opens his address book, picks a number, and dials.
Billy Knight: Hello? Petrie: Billy! How’s it going? Geoff Petrie, how are you? Billy Knight: I like coco-puffs. Petrie: That’s great, Billy. Listen, we’ve got this shiny defensive all-star ready to move and we wanted to check in and see what you were offering. Knight: My seventeen owners say I can’t do any more trades. Petrie: Why not, Bill? Knight: They said that I couldn’t make any more trades that would “set back the franchise by decades” and that before I did anything I needed to “get an MRI” or something for my head. Petrie: Okay, Bill I was just calling. *Click *Next number…
Kupchak: This is Mitch. Petrie: Mitch, hi! Geoff Petrie. Kupchak: Geoff, how are you? Petrie: I’m good. I was just calling because I have… Kupchak: Can you hold on a second? I’m having three young ladies suck banana flavored yogurt from my toes. Petrie: Uh…sure. Kupchack:…. Ah, so good. Anyway, what can I do you for? Petrie: Well, I’m willing to offer Artest… Kupchack: Woah, woah baby! You think I’m putting Artest on this team? I have Luke Walton. Petrie: But Walton sucks this yea… Kupchack: No! He does not! He’s a vital part of this team! We’re not trading Kobe Bryant! Petrie: I didn’t ask for Kobe Bryant, we were talking about… Kupchak: Listen, baby, I gotta go. Call me in the offseason and we’ll talk about a deal for that Kevin Martine or whatever. Petrie: It’s Kevin Martin and we’re not trading… *Click.
Petrie: This sucks. Okay. Surely this will work.
Isiah: Help! Petrie: Isiah? Isiah: Geoff? Is that you? Petrie: Yeah, it’s me, Isiah. Do you need me to call 911, are you hurt? Isiah: The fans! They’ve stormed the defenses! Our weapons are useless against them! I’ve tried leaving out a bunch of Marbury’s shoes, but they won’t put them on! Petrie: Do you need help? Isiah: No, no one can help me now. The goal is still there. The goal is a championship. Why were you calling? Petrie: Well, I was going to trade Ron Artest and wanted to know if… Isiah: I’ll give you Randolph, Marbury, David Lee, and a second-round pick, along with my hummer. Petrie: I thought you drove a Porsche? Isiah: Not that hummer. Petrie:… Um… anyway, that trade wouldn’t work under the cap restrictions. Isiah: What’s a cap? Oh, man, they’re storming the concessions area. I gotta go, Geoff! *Click
Petrie: Oh, man! I’m never gonna get rid of this psycho.
Joe Dumars: This is Dumars. Speak. Petrie: Hi, Joe, it’s Geoff Petrie, how are you? Dumars: You may dispense with the pleasantries, Geoffrie. What do you have to offer? Petrie: Well, I know you guys like defense, and we’re ready to move Artes… Dumars: Mwahahhahahhahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahah. Petrie: I’ll take that as a no. Dumars: Mwahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Petrie: A simple, “I don’t think we’re in a position to trade” would have worked. Dumars: Mwahahahahaahahaahahahahaahahahaaha! Petrie: Fine! *Click
Petrie: Jackass. Okay. Last call.
George Karl: Hello? Petrie: George? Hi. Geoff Petrie. How are ya? George: I’m good, Geoff. How are you? Petrie: I’m good. Listen, we’re listening to offers for Artest. George: I’ll give you Nene, JR Smith, and my son. Petrie: I thought Coby was with LA in the D-League? George: I didn’t mean as a player. Petrie: That desparate? George: I’m freaked out by Nene now. Petrie: George, it’s a really difficult thing he went through. You need to support him while he recovers. George: Not that, man. Since he got back from the hospital he keeps wearing his hospital gown to practice. It’s freaking me out. Petrie: Aren’t you worried about putting someone like Artest on the same team as someone like Kenyon? George: Truth be told, I’m hoping they’ll kill each other like in that Ray Liotta movie. Petrie: Any other offers? George: You can take the Linas guy and Eddy. Petrie: Wow, are you sure? Linas has been huge for you guys lately. George: Yeah, I know, but I can’t pronounce his name. Petrie: Umm…okay…we’ll get back to you. George: You better, if you know what I mean. *Click.
Petrie: Sigh, what am I going to do?
*Artest breaks open the door, half naked, covered in war paint and holding a kitana.
The versatility of both opponents is examined, as well as the impressive defensive dominance by Jordan, at least statistically. The blocks differential made me blink five teams, reload, and recheck. Don’t get us wrong. We think comparisons to Jordan are useless and ridiculous most of the time, a way for Skip Bayless to fill up time on whatever he’s screaming about. But we thought this one was a nice, brief breakdown.
One thing that’s interesting to note is the switch handed layup LeBron has developed. We’ve seen it at times this season, but in the last two games he’s brought it to a whole new level. It’s unstoppable. Whereas Jordan did it to show off or to gracefully rise above his competition, for LeBron it just adds another dangerous component to his size and strength barreling through the lane. It’s like putting gigantic samurai swords on a mack truck.
Kwame’s not taking it well. And by “it” we mean “finding out he’s completely terrible at what he does for a living. Best part is PhilZen telling him he’ll always have a job because of how big he is, and the fact that he “knows the game.”
Wages of Wins produced it’s first-half review. My favorite? Number 21. Andris Biedrins.
Corn: kmartin’s game is so pretty. Matt: gerald wallace’s is prettier. Corn: Disagree. More versatile n primal. Kmart is so smooth n skilled Matt:Wallace is more confident and has the body to finish. I feel like we’re talking about pornstars.