Monthly Archives: November 2007

The Weekend Bank Shot 11.30.07

We don’t want to leave you hanging over the weekend, so we’re expanding this from Friday through Sunday. Enjoy! Also, if anyone wants to go ahead and start prepping their resumes, I’m sure the Knicks front office will be having some openings any day now.

15 Reasons to Watch the Games of the National Basketball Association This Weekend

1. We Always Liked The Hammer Helmet Best: Okay, Jamario. We’ve been quiet on you all week. Here’s your shot. We like the stat lines. We like the highlight films. You’ve got the Lebronites sans Lebron, so… just the Ites tonight and the Zero-Zero Wizz tomorrow. You show up and punch this through for the Raps, you’ll be our new favorite hero. Which will of course doom you to mediocrity, injury, and failure. But still! People will know who you are! Go Super Jamario! Go!

2. He’ll Make You Fishers Of Men: Derek Fisher has been the veteran influence the Lakers have needed this season. If the Lakers aren’t a complete and utter sham that will fall apart like a flan in a cupboard by the All-Star break, Fisher will be the guy to lead them. If they want to keep up the happy happy joy joy party they’ve started this season, they need to man up because they’ve got the Jazz tonight and the Big Baby Jesus monster on Sunday. Good luck with that, kids.

3.Return Of The Mc (Via The Corndogg): Christmas has again come early for HP. Jelani McCoy is on the bench for the Nuggets. Who? Yeah, that guy. Back in the day he was a McDonald’s All American who was paid to play for Jim Harrick. Now, he is paid to play for George Karl. Both handle their teams the same way, with indifference, little attention to detail and appalled by chemistry. Good thing for us too, because the Big Mick should get some serious run after Melo tried to go all Undertaker on Sasha Vujocic last night. The Braided One might be sitting this one out. But honestly, Va-jay-jay probably deserved to get choked. So, in our book, Melo should get out of this.

4. He’s So Well Spoken (Via The Corndogg): That is about the only great thing you can say about Isiah now. Honestly (and again, sorry Posting and Toasting), but this is the single funniest headline I have ever read. So, in short, the Knicks will beat the Bucks by 15, while dishing out 25 assists on their 38 field goals. And they will blow them out of the East River in rebounding. “The NBA: Where Inconceivable Happens.”

5.Thank You Sir, May I Have Another (Via The Corndogg): More Lakers Tonight!!!! I hope Vujocic comes out wearing a neck brace (ed. note, That picture really does look like Vujocic). I hope Kobe carelessly scores 30. I hope Bynum and Turiaf perform their own version of the Dunk Contest. I HOPE THEY LOSE BY 45!!!! At least they play HP fav, Utah, who coincidentally, were the last team to lose to the Knicks. OUCH. Please NBA karma god thingy, let Boozer rain down upon these pricks like brimstone. Please!!!!
In other news, The Zen Master got a contract extension . Guess he really believes in these young guys. But, faith and a bag of feathers won’t by you much. See: Thomas, Isiah.

6.CP3’s Empire Strikes Back (Via The Corndogg): Thank Lucas, the Hornets get to leave K-ville (yeah, I don’t watch it either. I apologize for using it as a reference) and play in front of a slightly somewhat more enthusiastic crowd at the uhh, wait a minute, what’s that name… forget it. They get to play at the “whatever” dome in Atlanta against the team that is still kicking itself for not drafting him 3 years ago. And the Bugs need this one badly, dropping 4 of their last 5 after that crazy hot start. But CP3 was very honest and forthcoming last night in studio with Kenny, Charles and Ernie about how good his team is. He even Guaranteed they would be in the playoffs. Beating teams that you are supposed to, like the Hawks, would be a terrific start.

7. In The Real World This Is Referred To As “Slumming”: After hanging a fat one on the Knickerbockers, the Celtics get Miami tonight before the possibly No-Bron Cavs on Sunday. The Heat have been looking better lately, funny how that works when you get your best player (only good player?) back. Wade may need to draw a bazillion fouls tonight, and Z better hope El Tigre is feeling full after the feasting.

8.What Does Marko Jaric Have That I Don’t Have: Marko, Marko, Marko! If you are Manu or Oberto, you have to be dumbfounded by this. You are an NBA Champion. You are foreign. You are both good looking guys (in that foreign sort of way). You play in a city that at leasts attracts other top female talent. The best female talent in Minneapolis is freakinPrince, for chrissakes. But now, Marko Jaric gets to bed this???? I mean, c’mon guys, at least you share a continent with the lady. Jaric is from freaking Yugoslavia. They can’t vacation there. And he probably has to keep Antoine Walker from sucking Adriana’s toes when she walks into the locker room. I mean, seriously. But at least you, Manurto, have the satisfaction of knowing that you two play well together, you both work hard, sacrifice and you are both winners. Well, not in life. That would be Jaric. But at least on the court. And that’s gotta count for something, right?

9. And Although He Is No Marko Jaric, You Must Now Believe That Lamarcus Aldridge Is Somehow, Probably Shoving 4 Leaf Clovers In His Jock : Talk about good fortune. First, you get passed over in the draft by the putrid Bulls. Then, you are though highly enough of to get Zach Randolph hurled into this. Then, you get a year to be the man while Oden recovers. Now, you get to make a trip back close to your home town of Seagoville, TX and show the suddenly vulnerable Mavs that they should have been suckling at your teat years ago when you were in high school. Except for the fact that your team is still a project, you’ve lost 7 of your last 8, you best backup is Joel Pryzbilla and you still have to look down at the end of the bench at this, I’d say you are pretty well set. Oh, and you know how terrible the Mavs are playing against inferior competition. So you got that going for you, which is nice.

10. And This One Was Juuuuuust Right: The Nets play Philadelphia Saturday and Detroit on Sunday. Which is appropriate, because that’s pretty much where the Nets are.Better than the Sixers, worse than the Pistons. We’re at Kidd Defcon 3 right now. If things don’t improve… aw, hell, he’s never getting out of there. What is it with God and keeping great point guards from championships lately?

11. If We Can Slow The Beast, We Can Take Him Down!: Orlando’s got Phoenix and LA this weekend, which is a rather interesting transposition. You’ve got Orlando with three superstars, tremendous talent, and no bench. Then there’s LA, with little veteran leadership, nothing but young bumpkins, and only one legitimate superstar. Orlando goes 2-0, we’re joining Shanoff on the Dwight Howard 4 MVP train.

12. It Was Fun While It Lasted: The Clip are 3-7. That sound you hear is us crying a little bit. Wait. Oh, yeah. Nevermind, life is wonderful!

13. The Light At The End Of The Tunnel? That’s A Train: The Knicks have to make it past a very good Bucks team tonight. Then they get a whole day off. Before the Phoenix Suns NBA Jam Turbo Edition of Doom comes to town. So if you know any Knick fans, please, take any sharp objects and put them away from them.

14. Trillion Watch! : Ryan Bowen. Mario West. Anyone that plays for the New York Knickerbockers.

15. Your Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: Jamario Moon for $427K. This is the opposite of our usual selections. Keep in mind that Andre Miller is making $9 MILLION this year. And he’s pretty good. But they’re getting Jamario Moon for $427K. He’s only making slightly less than Jo Paterno. Think about that. And enjoy your weekend.

Something Short and Funny for the Weekend…

and I don’t mean, Vern Troyer. While I was getting ready for work this morning, I was casually checking out espn (lower case intentional) for the stat lines for last night’s NBA games, in hopes of seeing how my fantasy team did. When they got to Boston/knicks (lower case intentional), they did the usual: show the score, show the records, show the top individual stats. Well, they showed KG, Pierce, and Allen’s stats from last night. Then, the funny happens. They do not even bother to show ANYONE from the knicks (again, lower case intentional) stats. Not a single person.
May I remind you, this is the kind of stuff the leader (lci) only does when they show teams like Duke or Carolina beating 1-AA Podunk Tech by 75 points!
They always show NBA stats, and you know why? Because, not matter how bad a team plays, at least 1 person will have a decent enough game to show his stats. Even in the NFL, when a team is shut out, they still show stats. So, not only does ESPN not care about fantasy owners (whose teams are being ruined by the knicks), there was not even 1 single player for nyk (lci) that had anything close to a decent game. Don’t believe me, look here. And the only reason Nate Robinson scored in double figure was because of a last second “who gives a flying f#ck” 3 that kept the knicks (lci) from their worst defeat in history.
On second thought, maybe the leader (lci) does care about fantasy. No one wants a heart attack like that after they traded for Marbury before the season started (unfortunately, I am talking about myself. However, I am still dominating the league). But seriously, this isn’t even funny anymore. It’t pathetic. It’s akin to torturing a mentally challenged amputee. Please stop this, for the love of the League.

An Open Letter To God From Us

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I know we sometimes get angry for things like the Spurs’ dominance, and Oden’s injury, and Kobe Bryant in general.

But then you give us something like this.


No, wait, let’s let the poor bastards at break it down in detail (we’re so sorry, guys).

How about Posting and Toasting? How are they holding up? Oh, sh*t. Somebody get them a bag, or something.

We mean…


I mean, we mentioned yesterday about your boys screwing the pooch so hard the Garden rises up like it’s the Bastille.

We’re way past the Bastille. This is full on cannibalism time.

W’ere blessed here at the HP with not having any particular allegiances. We dig the fast running teams, appreciate good defense, marvel at the great ones and the role players. That said, we want to extend a warm manfan-hug to all members of the Knicks nation. For years we took joy in a large market team being utterly annihilated by incompetence and ego. But this, this is too far. Sorry guys. Don’t worry. It’ll be over soon.

15 Footer 11.29.07

We’re totally cool with Scorch managing to slide the Hawks past the Bucks. We’re fine with the Pistons laughing off the notion of LeBron having an edge. Because at least we nailed the Rockets-Suns game. One out of seven ain’t bad!

Yes, we’ve finally hit a rhythm. As long as we don’t get another one of those three game nights again, we should…aw, f*ck beans.


15 Reasons to Watch the THREE Games in the National Basketball Association Tonight:

1. Attack Of The Gigantic Markets (Via the Corndogg): The Traveling Train Wreck that is the New York Knickerbockers are up against it tonight. Tonight affords a rare opportunity to view just where the Knicks are at. They can either have one of those nights where they fight off the criticism, and rise above, or this can be the night Knicks fans point to and go, wow, that was really the bottom of the barrel. They’ve got the Juggernaut. The War Machine. The Hydra. The Celtics. It’s on TNT, which means the whole country may get to see the Knicks fans rise up and revolt on Isiah as Madison Square Garden becomes the Bastille.

2. Switched At Birth: So the Nuggets feature two legit All-Stars, the defensive player of the year, solid role players, and a tremendous inner line of sizable defense. The Lakers feature an egomaniac superstar, a green center still trying to find his rhythm, a never-was power forward with a serious history of injury, a D-league promoted point guard, the son of a deranged studio host, and Ronnie Turiaf. So, of course the Nuggets are 9-6 and the Lakers are 8-6. Because that makes sense. Kill us.

3. No Country For Old Men (Via The Corndogg): And by country, we mean Oakland. Dikembe, currently the oldest player in the league, will be at a severe disadvantage if Adelman uses him for Yao’s breather minutes tonight. But, its games like this where the impossible happens. Mutombo glides out onto the court, blocks two dunks on 1 possession, eats Monta Ellis, laughs and goes back to the bench for a nice, satisfactory evening’s work. We love Dikembe and hope he gets some burn, you know, since NBA games are actually on TV tonight!! In other news, we promise to make the great AT&T commercial parody every using not only all of Dikembe’s names, but also all of the languages he speaks and NBA teams he has played for . It will be, in a word, totally incredible. Now, if I can just take a week off work to complete it.

4. Because… (Via the Corndogg): You can’t get the Packers vs. Jessica Simpson’s he-bitch and his gaggle of man-ginas (aka The Cowboys). And you know why, cause they are on NFL Network. Who even owns that crap? Or, watch the TNT matchups tonight because you just cant take the excitement of Women’s College Basketball. We understand, makes our blood pressure boil too.

5. At Another Isiah Time, In Another Isiah Universe (Via the Corndogg): The apple of Jimmy Dolan’s putrid, arrogant slightly lazy eye gets to suck some Hydra tail tonight. The Celtics get the Knicks in the Garden tonight and, after coming off an excrutiating loss to SuperLebron, they are not going to relax. Its really like Doc Rivers and Isiah are the same coach, except 1 is an insufferable idiot that wouldn’t have a job except for his pissy-pants boss thinks too highly of him and the talent on his team. The other is Isiah (fascinating read!). I wonder what Zeke and Marbury will storm up to combat the conquering Celts ?

6. Gold Soundz (Via the Corndogg):Now this is the reason we watch basketball (well, except that of the 3 games being played tonight, this one is not televised). The Warriors have won their last 4 and 7 of their last 8. You can even make a case for Stephen Jackson as MVP, you know, if Dwight Howard, KG, Lebron, Kobe and Antoine Walker weren’t in the picture. They are matching up against a healthy T-Mac (for now) and a Rockets squad that appears to be mastering Adelman’s offense. Houston can play at any tempo, Golden State only plays at a rocket’s tempo. Should be heated and exciting offensive orgy, with a potential Jessica Alba sighting. Can’t wait for the highlights tomorrow morning!!

7. I Wonder What Gallagher Is Up To Now? (Via the Corndogg): Or,”Why isn’t there more of the Lakers on TV?” Neither of the questions should ever be asked. Unless you want your head smashed like a watermelon with a mallet. I hate cable. So, if you must, watch their game for Bynum. He is looking terrific.

8. And Now For The Encore (Via the Corndogg): Well, if I were a betting man (and I am, it’s an addiction), I would put a big fat Washington up against Stevie Franchise doing either of the 2 things he did in last night’s win over Phoenix tonight against the Warlocks: 1) making the game saving shot and 2) playing great defense and stripping the ball away to secure the win. I will however, bet that Dizzle goes nuts against any James/Alston/Stevie hybrid and that during halftime, SJax gets a new tat. Probably this. Or this.

9. Yakhouba Diawara (pronounced “that other dude”) (Via the Corndogg):

Noun: the fifth starter for most of the Denver Nugget’s games
Origin: some say French, although we believe it to be Jibberish
Root Word: whodatdiarrhea?
Usage In Sentence: who in the hell is Yakhouba Diawara?
Alternate Pronunciations: melo’s bitch, suck it najera, and please don’t violate that restraining order J.R. Smith.

10. You Spin Me Right Rondo, Baby, Right Rondo: The Cavs dared Rondo to beat them the other night, and it worked out well for them. Of course, there will be no such dominant defense played tonight by New York. Rondo should be able to create tonight. We’ve been pretty impressed with Rajon this far. Playing with guys of that caliber is hard to keep your head straight, and he seems to understand his role and not be afraid to assert himself when he needs to. Let’s just hope whatever strain of crazy Starbury has isn’t contagious.

11. Holy Crap, the D-League Thing May Actually Work Out: We present you now the case of Kelenna David Azubuike. If the name is familiar, it’s because he keeps hitting huge 3s for the Warlocks at the end of the game. He’s quickly climbing the list of our favorite Warriors, though that’s a huge list. That team is more fun to watch than those Canadian PSAs (we refuse to link them as to not continue the trail of nightmares). This is another great example of how the D-League is starting to work as it should. We love the D-league and will be starting a D-League feature out there (contributors welcome!), soon. It’s so ridiculous, it may just work.

12. Unleash El Tigre. : The Celtics have been dominant this season. That’s certainly true. But we’re still waiting for that game. The one where El Tigre unleashes all those years of pent up aggression and just goes off in that way that makes us forget about BBJ, and LBJ, and everyone else and remember the true face of fear… is El Tigre Monstruoso. We fear that may be tonight, Knicks fans…

13. If I Had A Trillion Dollars: Your Trillion Watch for tonight: DJ Mbenga, Randolph Morris, Gabe Pruitt, Javaris Crittenton. Nothing like paying attention to see if a guy can get yanked before doing ANYTHING (Thanks to Basketbawful)

14. Your Ridiculous Salary Of The Night: Think of all the things you would do with $2.5 Million. Now, realize that Chris Mihm can do all those things for scoring 4.4 points, 4.4 rebounds, and .7 assists per game. Don’t reach for the gun. There are no accidents. (Still not linking to it, you sick bastards)

15. Every Time A Bell Rings, Kwame Brown Drops A Pass (Via The Corndogg): With all the Christmas trees going up all over America, there have got to be a lot of bell ornaments being hung. And you know, children, that Kwame Brown aint getting what he wants for Xmas this year: a bigger, better pair of hands. His minutes are shrinking, like his fingerprints, and the Lakers are actually benefitting from it. I hate to say he is a washout at 24… wait, no I don’t. Not after this happened. We will never forget. But hey, Bynum is sprouting right before our very eyes. And, who doesn’t like watching HP fav Ronnie Turiaf? Guess there’s always next year, Buster Brown.

15 Footer 11.28.07

Yup. We knew it. Rag on the Pacers, Dunleavey drops 30. Mock the Cavs, they take down the Juggernaut. Drop a paragraph piece about how the Heat made a drastic mistake for the longterm, and they summarily drop the future-minded Bobcats like a bad habit.

The one thing you can count on in the NBA, it will always do the exact opposite of what makes sense when you call attention to it.

The madness continues with…

15 Reasons to Watch the Games in the National Basketball Association Tonight:

1. It’s Gonna Take The Flavor Of Hellfire: The Wizards are known as Zero’s crew, we all know that. But honestly, our favorite Wizard may just be Caron Butler. Thanks to great work from blogs like Bullets Forever, we can keep track of just how hot Tuff Juice is. He’s going on our All-Star Ballot, regardless. He’s been fantastic while Nachooooo! has been out, but tonight he’s taking Jamison and crew to San Antonio to face the Movie Version of Galactus. Just as unstoppable, but still boring as all get out.

2. Golly, Mr. Boozer, What Big Eyes You Have!: Philadelphia’s got Utah tonight, and the two have gone completely opposite in the last 10 games (7-3 vs. 3-7, guess which is which). The Sixers are doing okay inside, but they’re going to need to be fantastic to take down the Booze Cruise and HotStuff. The Jazz are no.1 in Assist:Turnover ratio. Iggy might want to use some chalk. Or glue. Or cement.

3. So We Meet Again, Mr. Billups: LeBron is establishing a long line of teams in the East that he owns. It started with the Wizz. His latest acquisition? The Pistons. Thing is, the Pistons don’t really take kindly to that kind of talk, youngster. They also don’t care much for the revenge bit, either. As Hoopworld mentions, this is the only time the teams face each other for 3 and a half months, so if Detroit wants to put last year’s collapse behind them, they need to do what they do and win the ballgame. We don’t think this game has anything to do with how the season or playoffs will go, but it will make a dent in the media, and nobody wants to hear about it for three months.

4. In This Scenario, Grant Hill and Raja Bell Are Little Girls: Houston gets Phoenix again, this time in its own house. Houston’s won two straight after that rather disheartening crash landing a few weeks back. Houston’s got t find some answers to their questions tonight. The big problem for them in their last meeting is that they kept falling for the Suns signature trap. “Come on, run with us! Come on, it’ll be fun! Here, take the jumper! It’s open! It won’t hurt! No, don’t pass for a better shot! You ran all the way down here! Take it! Play with us, Tracy. Forever, and ever, and ever….”

5. Rafer Alston, Public Enemy No.1: We want to take this opportunity to welcome The Dream Shake, the Rockets blog by which we hold all other Rockets blog accountable. We’d also like to take this moment to thank them for their detailed and beautiful hatred of Rafer Alston. Rafer’s one of those guys that slips in between the cracks of criticism a lot of the time, and the fact that the Dream Shake is hell bent on giving the guy a Code Red, well, that just makes us giggle. Glad to have you, gents.

6. Classic Case of “Can’t See The Forest For All The Crappy Teams We Keep Losing To”: Well, the Wiz made it happen again on Monday. The Mavs went 0-3 versus mediocre to average Eastern Teams. Tonight they get Al Jefferson and the WonderWolves, who got their second victory of the year the other night. So they’re not exactly surging. But against Dallas, you may not need to be! Also, Jefferson versus Diop is going to feel very strange, and we’re not sure why.

7. Beno, Boom Dizzle. Boom Dizzle, Beno. : One of the things we find hilarious is that when teams are offensively terrible they’re listed as “defense-minded.” Sorry, this is basketball. The Spurs play good defense. They still like to outscore other people. The Kings actually are a pretty good defensive team, though, which is why we’re intrigued by that matchup with the arcade game that is the Golden State Warriors. We watched the Suns vs. Warriors game the other night. It made our brains hurt. It was fun, but we got kind of sick watching it. It was kind of like the Blair Witch Project, only with Monta Ellis scoring 15 straight instead of the annoying chick crying. Anywho, Beno Udrih has been big lately for the Kings in relief of still injured Mike Bibby, and he’s got Baron Davis tonight. We’ll see how that goes.

8. What Made Milwaukee Famous: Okay, we’ve wanted to do that headline all year. It’s the first thing that pops in our head. Now we’ve done it, and we can move on. Okay? In much the same way, the resurgent Bucks get their dose of struggling Atlanta. Josh Smith and Scorch haven’t been enough lately. If this team wants to get out of its usual suck festival it has every year, Marvin Williams and Al Horford are going to have to get big and get nasty. Otherwise, it’s going to be more Redd and Yi.

9. You’re The One That We Want: We’re not unhappy with Magic v. Sonics tonight on NBATV. It’s nice that the Magic are seen as much as they are. And watching the Sonics find new ways to lose is always fun. But the Grizzlies are in Toronto tonight. And that’s just happy music. We’re not going to do the whole Super Jamario thing, though we want to. If they knock off the Cavs tomorrow night, we’ll have some fun with him. This matchup is great, and we wish it were getting the NBATV slot. People across the country should get to see this one. Navarro vs. Calderon alone is worth the price of admission. Jesus, this sounds like a boxing match.

10. Jub-Jub: We’re just sayin. We’re juuuust sayin. If my team was 0-3 in the last three games, we’d find a way to get Jub-Jub involved. We’re just sayin. He scored 15 in the loss to the Wizz. Take a chance! Free Jub-Jub!

11. Auf Wiedersehen! (Via the Corndogg): Just like this titillating Texan in the title, the Mavs have no shot, going up against the hot shot T-wolves tonight. And by “hot shot,” I mean, they won their last game. Better than dropping 3 straight against some of the worst, and not-exactly-worst teams in the league over the last week. Keep this up and “Guns” Cuban will be cha-cha ing his way to a big midseason trade. So much for standing pat. Well, at least you can beat the Spurs. Guess that counts for something.

12. Please Tell Me Andray Blatche Has A Grudge Against The Spurs (Via the Corndogg): Seems the only teams that can be San Antonio this year are the ones who have people that truly despise them: Dirk, Adelman, Udrih . (Ed. not – this bodes really well for Phoenix ). Everyone else just doesn’t really care about the Spurs, and they have used that insouciance (I heard Moby use this word once) to just slither along at a cowboy’s pace in their 12 wins. So, unless the arresting officer in Blatche’s pre-season incident is a former Spurs dancer, the Wiz better watch out. But then again, Jamison could play out of his mind (can you say “contract year”) and Washington could keep on rollin‘.
(Ed. note – Just let it be known that our hearts go out to the D.C. sports area and especially to Sean Taylor’s family. We make a lot of bad/mean/unforgivable jokes, but real life hatred is much more cruel.)
13. In 8 Mile, The Still Have Nightmares (Via the Corndogg): Xmas has come early to HP. Artest and SJax. Both totally healthy, both ballin‘ like mad and both still as crazy as the day is long. It would be safer to stick you head in a microwave than to go out with these two, but seeing them battling it out on the floor will be like a sonnet, or perhaps, more like an elegy. Eh, but you know what, those Pistons fans deserved it. Yeah, I said it. Love you Sjax and Ron Ron.

14. Those Were The Days (Via the Corndogg): Speaking of the Pacers, they just cannot get anything going. Can’t get on a winning streak. Hell, they can’t even get on a losing streak. Seriously, give us something to write about. Well, besides Mike Dunleavy’s new guns. He’s gotta be on the juice! I smell a federal indictment. Seriously, these guys have no personalities, no animation. They are just as bland as the corn rows surrounding Indy. Wait, isn’t this article supposed to be telling us why we SHOULD watch the games tonight? Oh well, I forget. Maybe you will have a Darius Miles sighting. Nah, forget it. You’d have a better chance of catching Darius if you were the only person in American who owned The Perfect Score. Well, that, and I would probably hunt you down and burn your eyes out with a curling iron.

15. Professional Arm Wrestling (Via The Corndogg): At intermission tonight, I’m taking Horford. Matt’s got Yi piggybacked on Bobby Simmons, while using 2 arms. Surrounding this action will be watching the mighty rookie try to crack the Top 10 in rebounding. I admit it, the Hawks did right by this one. Now, if they only had that Shelden Williams promise back from last year. Oh Billy Knight, what a kidder!

Commercial Wisdom: Shareef Needs a Network

“I’m a professional basketball player. I’ve been around and made a lot of friends…

I’m from Marietta, Georgia…

And I was drafted by the Vancouver Grizzlies…

I spent two years in Atlanta (who hasn’t?)…

Before I landed in Portland…

And then was shipped to Sacramento, and I’m making friends here…

So I need a network that works where I live and play. A place called, Marivanlantamentoland.”

The New At&T. Works in more places, like Marivanlantamentoland.

Commercial Wisdom: Jerry Stackhouse Loves AT&T.

“Hi. I’m a professional basketball player…

I was born in Kinston, North Carolina and that’s where I learned to cook…

I was drafted by Philadelphia, and I learned all about cheesesteaks and how to live the good life…

And then traded to Detroit, where I made some great friends…

I like going to Vegas to play some cards…

And eventually I ended up in Dallas, where I’ve been the old man kicking ass and singing my song ever since.

So I need a network that works where I live and play. A place called North Philadalltroitegas.

The New AT&T. Works in more places like, North Philadalltroitegas.

The Legend of Lewis and the TriForce Apology

When word got out last summer that the Magic were pursuing Rashard Lewis, we were thrilled. We’re big fans when the hard working near-SuperStar gets the Luigi to his Mario (equal in many ways but less popular for various reasons). We want great things for Big Baby Jesus, and we still have a man-fan-love for Coach Van Gundy. Throw in the ridiculousness of the fact that the franchise is located in Orfreakinglando, and you’ve got a winner in our hearts.

Then came the $127. 2 Million signing.

Look, we like Rashard’s game. We’re big on guys that can fill the forward/guard spot, play in the paint, hit 3s, and make magic happen.

But $127.2 Million? Good God. We wouldn’t pay that much for double equipment to nail Marissa Miller. (Ed. Note: I would actually pay that much for that. Thanks. I love you, Marissa. -Corn)

So we started cracking jokes. You know the ones. “The Magic just signed a new contract with a cleaning company for $80 million. ” “Otis Smith just made a huge donation to the local hospital. The endowment’s called ‘The Rashard Lewis Wing.'”

And we were sure this would backfire. Ginormous contracts in the NBA don’t work out. Ask anyone that’s ever employed Antoine Walker. Ever. This had to backfire! Then he got hurt in the preseason! Aw, man! We told you, Otis! We told you! No good! Bad juju!

Then a funny thing happened.

Rashard Lewis.

Caught fire.

He’s scoring 19.8 ppg (20.3 per 40 minutes), with 4.9 rebounds and 2 assists. He leads the league in made 3 pointers, shooting 44% from beyond the arc. He’s shooting 49% overall, and he’s putting in solid minutes. Better yet, the Magic were the first team to hit 13 wins last night, the only team with a win over the Celtics, and the diverted defensive attention to BBJ has caused him to go Supernova.

We asked Ben Q from essential Magic blog Third Quarter Collapse and here’s what he had to say about Rashard:
“Rashard has been a blessing. It’s easy to clown on the Magic for giving him that huge payday, but they weren’t really paying him for his skills; they were paying him for his ability to open up the floor for Dwight Howard, who is having an MVP-caliber season. At the time of the deal, I thought the Magic were making a big mistake because they could have kept Darko Milicic and Gerald Wallace, another fringe-level All-Star, for the same amount of money. But there’s no way the Magic would be 13-3 if they had gone that route, just as there’s no way Dwight Howard would be averaging 22 and 14.

But it’s not just Howard who’s benefiting from Lewis’ presence. Hedo Turkoglu, another 6’10” small forward who hardly defends or rebounds, is having a career season thanks to Rashard. It all has to do with matchups. Other teams put their center on Howard, but then have to assign their power forward to cover either Lewis or Turkoglu. Most power forwards are loathe to roam the perimeter guarding Lewis and Turkoglu, which means mismatches abound on every single night.”

And so here we are. And we’re forced with something we never like to do here, unless charges are threatened. Apologize. Now, it’s still early. And we know that there’s still a lot of season to go. So we’re not going to go all the way, yet, Rashard. Oh, no, you won’t get our full apology just yet.

You have fulfilled the first part of your quest. You made it through training camp and preseason without serious injury or derailing your locker room before the season began, and you have given them the spark necessary to establish themselves early. But you must still reach the All-Star Game with the same level of hotness, and help take your team to the Eastern Conference Finals. Only then will you receive the full power of our TriForce Apology.

Congratulations! You have gained 1/3 of the HP TriForce Apology!

15 Footer 11.27.07

We’re back like New Wave riffs. Sorry for the lack of jumpers, but we were distracted with booze and turkey and travel and the Border War (suck it, Kansas). But we’re back to our love now.

And oh, what a week it’s been.

Someone want to explain to us what in the Holy Hell of The Upside Down Sinners happened last night? I watched the Warriors-Suns game, and it was incredible, but seeing Monte Ellis go ballistic? The Wizards beat the Mavs? The Kings, for God’s sake? The Kings? You know what? Just another night in the Association.

So we’re gonna fire right back into the game. And we’re even backing up to make up for being gone from the game so long.

16 Reasons To Watch The Games Of The National Basketball Association Tonight:

1. It’s Like Beowulf, Only With Boobie: King James meets the Boston Hydra tonight (not to be confused with the Sactown Hydra). His Witnessed has been on quite a tear lately, dropping triple-doubles like it was acid at a Polyphonic Spree concert. But then, again, there’s the 9-1 war machine, chugging along, dropping victims in its path and rolling right on through. Cleveland, after looking shaky in the first 10 games, has gotten back to what it does best. Having LeBron put up ridiculous numbers and winning games we have no comprehension beforehand of how they would win. Welcome to the show! This sucker’s on NBATV, which should be fun, and it’s in Cleveland. I’m trying to imagine LBJ in the locker room, asking for volunteers to guard El Tigre Monstruoso. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

2. He Changed His Name To Kidd From Vorhees: Because the sonofabitch will not die. He’s brought them back from the brink of early season disaster, winners now of 3 straight, and headed home to face the “Are You There God, It’s Me, Rudy Gay, Please Get Me Out Of This F*cking Division” Grizzlies. The Grizz are playing well, if inconsistent. There are some crazy ass matchups tonight, since you’ve got JCN and Rudy Gay vs. Richard Jefferson and The Kiddly One. Inside should be interesting, but the Grizz could use Darko back.

3. The Long And Winding Road (To Suckville): When the season started, we would have been excited about Bulls vs. Hawks. Now, we just feel bad for them. The Hawks are only two games under .500 and are definitely making strides, but they’re still, you know, Atlanta. We could go on and on and on about the Bulls sucking, but we’re betting you’ve heard this before. So instead, here’s a picture of the Sex Cannon. Love yourselves, Chicago. (Danke, Deadspin)

4. We’re Genuinely Prepared For Anything : We don’t prognosticate here. Well, I don’t. Corndogg does. A lot. About everything. Like, “My socks will feel good on my feet. I guarantee it. Suck it, Matt.” and “I guarantee you the Jayhawks will beat Missouri. Suck it, Matt.” But this game, we won’t touch. Denver’s that team which should be awesome, who keep sucking whenever we pay attention to them. The Pacers are that team who should suck, who become awesome whenever we pay attention to them. They’re like the ghosts from Super Mario Brothers. AI better get himself the invincibility star.

5. Milwaukee’s Best: The Bucs were that team in the preseason that we looked at went, “No! Don’t say anything positive about them! You’ll jinx it!” But we love any team that’s got Bogut, VNov, Michael Redd (one of our favorite pure shooters), Mo Williams, and a 6’11” Chinese kid playing for a team he never wanted to be on and entering the rookie of the year race. This team was damn good two years ago, and they weren’t as loaded as they are now. And with the Central being sluggish and the Pistons taking their time on their inevitable dominant run, we want to keep an eye on this crew for the playoffs. Plus, Michael Redd is a sweet, sweet man.

6. We’ve Got To Get It Together: In 2004, after the Heat made a deep run in the playoffs, I was thrilled. Odom, Butler, Wade. This was a brilliant combination of players that could stay together, get combined with a consistent shooter and another reliable rebounder and make a run year after year. I was pumped. You had the big man that could play defense, clean up boards and hustle. You had the smart playmaker that could do it all for you, and the superstar scorer. And then Pat Riley orgasmed as his behemoth ego swallowed the city of Miami and from this tidal wave of egomania came the greatest ego-centric player ever, Shaquille O’Neal. And thanks to the greatness of Dwayne Wade (insert reference to the officiating here, we’ll abstain, thanks), a championship was made. But at what cost? Stan Van Gundy, a coach with still some health and innovation was tossed. Butler, gone, now serving up double doubles nightly in Washington. Odom , still a square peg being slammed repeatedly into the round hole of the triangle offense, but a valuable commodity. And the Heat? Disaster. That’s what happends when you mortgage your entire future in the hope of a championship. Was it worth it? Absolutely, for Miami, for Shaq, for Mourning, for Payton, for Riley. But DWade could have been set for a decade. And I’m sure he wouldn’t trade it either. But with a 3-10 record and no end in sight, the future in Miami looks terrible. They’ve got to get some new talent in there, fast. They’ve got to get it together.

7. One Day At A Time : The Bobcats are off to their best start in franchise history. Yes. At 6-7. They got six wins a month faster than they ever have. They almost toppled the Juggernaut. And they’re doing it with more injuries than the Oregon Ducks. Now, we expect the Heat to sputter out a win based off experience and the size of Shaq’s ass tonight, but don’t be confused. These guys are headed in the right direction, and will still get another good draft pick this year. So you should watch Oak now, before he’s picking up boards in the ECF. Also, Crash.

8. The Annoying 21 Part Saga of Anderson Varejao: Here’s what kills us about this situation. We know his PER is good. We know he’s one of the few quality big men out there. We know he’s got goofy hair. But we really, honestly think he sucks. We’re big on stats here at HP. And we know that statistically, the guy’s worth the money. And that he has upside. But every time we watched him during the playoffs last year, here was our conversation:
M: Okay, pressure situation. Gotta go to LeBron, right?
C: Yeah, definitely. Who else is going to shoot?
*Varejao misses a jumper, gets rebound, misses the tip in, etc.
M: Um…
C: Someone want to tell Carrot Top that he ain’t the man?
Anyway, tune in so you can hear more about how he doesn’t want to play for the Cavs anymore. He and LeBron probably have more in common than you’d think.

9. The Damien Wilkins Experience Is Due For Another Showing!: After his 41 point ejaculation the other night, the DWE has slowed down some, but he’s still averaging 15 points a game. Of course, in the 4 losses since The Game, he’s had less and less, including 2 points versus the Champs the other night. So now’s the time, Damien. Rise, DWE! Rise and conquer! Vanquish the mighty Lakers, or you may feel the wrath of…

10. Vladi The Impaler: Valdi Radmanovic won’t stop. He just won’t. He’s still shooting 45% from three point land, with 24 3-pointers, good for 25th best in the league. For a crappy Yugoslavian 27 year old backup, that ain’t bad, baby. Them’s peaches. And with the Sonics perimeter defense often imitating that of

11. He’s Got It Wrapped Up After Only 15 Games (Via the Corndogg): (Insert your Shawn Kemp joke here). However, we are talking about Lebron. When he walks into Quicken tonight and drops his 3rd straight triple-double on the suddenly vulnerable Celtics, he will put HP out of business in the “MVP Debate” columns. There is absolutely no one else in the League who could have this Cavs teams 2 games over .500. No one. I mean, No one. I hate to say it, but “All Hail Lebron!!”

12. And,
He Ain’t Had It Wrapped Up In 3 Years (Via The Corndogg): (Insert Michael Redd joke here) However, the Bucks are the hottest team in the League right now (especially after Black Monday caused the ruin of more Western Conference egos than unemployment of college football coaches). Redd has started filling up the bucket, while the rest of the mid-sized, athletic Brew Crew manage to do all the dirty work and play defense. And by dirty work, we don’t mean scrubbing the walls after an orgy at Michael Redd’s house — Boo Ya!! Look for them to rape to Sixers tonight, who, in case you weren’t aware, SUCK.
13. When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Look Like The Bobcats (Via The Corndogg): After a franchise best start in the firts 10 games (6-4), the Cats decide to play like a Bill Simmons prediction and drop 2 excrutiating games, in OT to the suddently hot Wiz and this ruthless dagger with 4 ticks left against Boston, to go along with 1 ass kicking by the Magic. So, now the reeling felines have a chance to put together another mini-streak, starting tonight with the Heat. Plus, you get 2 games against the Bulls in the next week and a distracted Raptors squad. Of course those all seem winnable. Then you realize that you are the Bobcats, Jordan is your GM and this is the NBA, where Beno Udrih goes for 27 to manhandle the Spurs last night. I give up.

14. Watch Out!!!! (Via The Corndogg): Not only does our glass eye pop out when we’re rollin in our pimped out jetta with 10 sub woofers, it also bursts out of our head when the only 2 national TV contracted teams, the Hawks and the Bulls, square off on a non-NBA night on TNT or the leader. Beggars can’t be choosers I suppose, but a game this awful will make you wish for Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry. Or… Thrashers vs. Blackhawks.

15. Who Didn’t See This One Coming (Via The Corndogg): The Nets, who were miserable at the beginning of the season, are now at .500. Also, Richard Jefferson is 6th in the league in scoring . Please don’t re-read that sentence of your might look the lady from #14. Jason Kidd is playing great, hates the Nets, but doesn’t want out ? Vince Carter rehabbed his first injury faster than expected. And Jason Collins is averaging better than 17 minutes a game… to go along with 0.5 points. Alright, the title isn’t totally true. We DID see that happening to Collins. His new nickname is Sixers.”

16. Like The Drunk Fat Chick at 2:30am (Via The Corndogg): We are just glad somebody likes them. Cause they are just bad. But, fun to watch. Just don’t show them to your friends, unless your friend is from Oklahoma City. He might tell you to leave them where they came from.