Shane Battier: Gentleman Scholar, Impressionist, Retiree

Jun 11, 2014; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Heat forward Shane Battier (31) speaks to the media prior to pactice before game four of the 2014 NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs at American Airlines Arena. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Today is Shane Battier Day. In honor of him, I’m finally going to write about one of my oldest favorite basketball videos on the internet: the 2008 Rockets doing their best impressions of Dikembe Mutombo.

– Things start off very strong with the man of the hour’s good and funny impression of a thing I imagine 2008 Mutombo said all the time.

– Carl Landry follows this up with what I’m going to assume is a Coming to America reference (NSFW-ish).

– Next, Aaron Brooks does some weird shit with his fingers that I suppose Mutombo would have done because he’s actually an Ent.


– Now we’re back to Battier, sounding more like himself in 2014 than Dikembe Mutombo in 2008. Zing. Take that, person I’m appreciating.

– Aaron Brooks is back with his stunningly good DMX impersonation.

– Chuck Hayes, giggling his way through a solid entry in the canon.

– Now it’s story time with Tracy McGrady, who apparently is TOO GOOD FOR THIS.

– Oh, it’s Rafer Alston. Hi, Rafer!

– Steve Novak, sounding more like Randy Savage than Dikembe Mutombo. That’s okay, Steve. You’re the champ.

– Yao’s idea of impersonating Dikembe is merely saying that he shakes his finger. That’s adorable. I miss Yao.

– Bobby Jackson ends on a down note with a super patronizing impression. Frank Caliendo levels.


As an aside, how weird of a team was this one? Going by when that video was posted, this would have been the roster of the 2007-08 Houston Rockets. Look at that. It’s magnificent. One of the great collections of personality this league has ever or likely will ever see. Can you imagine Gerald Green’s Deke impression? How about Bonzi’s? HOW ABOUT STEVE FRANCIS???

Anyway, this was supposed to be about Shane Battier and I spent the vast majority of it talking about his teammates. I’m sure he’d want it that way.

Brian Schroeder

Brian Schroeder is first and foremost a student, hoping to finish his studies at IPFW within the next solar decade. He enjoys pontificating almost as much as he enjoys using the word "pontificating." He plays more video games than you, and his work can be found at Bulls101.com, The Basketball Post, and Digital Refrain, alongside his personal blog, which you probably don't want to read.