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Great moments in media stats site descriptions: Philadelphia 76ers edition

Although the summer has begun to wind down, we still have months until we’re watching real NBA basketball again. And while there are a few important storylines at the moment, for the most part we have to find ways to entertain ourselves until the season starts back up again—like searching for great moments in media stats site descriptions.

I debuted this topic last week and luckily for all of you, today is the day you’ve been waiting for: Great moments in media stats site descriptions is back—this time featuring the Philadelphia 76ers.

Here we go.

Michael Carter-Williams, Evan Turner, Spencer Hawes: Chest Bump

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The Sixers were just chest bumping machines the first few games. And then reality set in and there were no more moments to celebrate with chest bumps the rest of the year. Don’t worry, Philly, it will all get better in time.

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Spencer Hawes: Made, 3-Pointer, Clutch; John Henson: Shocked 

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I feel you, John, I feel you.

 

Hollis Thompson: D-League Mention

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D-League stand up!

 

Thad Young: NBA TV Top Ten

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Poor Thad Young. All the Top Ten plays in the world couldn’t have saved this Sixers team.

 

Thad Young: Stationary Dribble

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Dewayne Dedmon: Intense

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That is correct.

 

Kris Humphries: Woes

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Typical.

 

Evan Turner: Made, Jumper, NBA TV Top Ten, Buzzer Beater, YouTube; Brad Stevens: Sad; Jared Sullinger: Angry

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Oh my god.

 

Byron Mullens: Made, 3-Pointer

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Straight cash, homey.

 

Nerlens Noel: Reax

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HIIIII NERLANS.

 

James Nunnally: Made, Layup

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Wild that the Sixers were able to create holograms of computer generated players from NBA 2K14 to throw out on the court at the end of the season. 2014 is crazy; we’re really living in the future.

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Okay, wow I did a second one of these. Is this like a series now? I don’t know; you probably need three to make it a series though, right? Well I guess maybe I’ll do another one then. Just keep clicking on Hardwood Paroxysm dot com every day forever to see if I do. Hey, it’s like Future said, “Young blogger get those clicks.” Man that song is a classic.

Jack Maloney

  • Will McGuire

    The most quintessentially Evan Turner moment of all last year was NOT the pointless and masturbatory 360 windmill dunk to beat the Lakers last year, but rather his idiotic attempts to apologize to every member of the Lakers roster the instant he realized what he had done as the Lakers’ announcers discussed the game in a tone usually reserved for telling children their parents don’t love each other anymore.