So the other day I wrote about basketball cards and why they’re dope. Well a main impetus for writing that piece was looking through a bunch of old cards I have in my room. And in rediscovering these cards, I came upon some that I would like to share with you all. Welcome to the basketball cards award show. Let’s get into it.
Most confused background defender:
Winners: Guy behind Chaning Frye and guy behind LeBron James
Hahahahaha I have no idea what these two guys are up to. This is so great. First you’ve got the guy behind Channing Frye who’s staring up at the video board watching the play like he’s a fan and then the guy behind LeBron is pointing as if he’s alerting a teammate to something despite LeBron being a split second away from throwing down a jam. I have so many questions, but alas.
(Bonus Gary Payton sighting in that LeBron card. Also funny that it’s him dunking on the Heat in his pre-Miami days.)
Best Facial Expression:
Winner: Marcus Camby
It’s so great that these two different cards from two different years both caught Camby doing almost the same expression.
Loser: Jarrett Jack
What the hell, Fleer? Of all the pictures that exist of Jarrett Jack playing basketball, this is the one you went with? This is like the least flattering photo of all time, what are you doing?
Best throwback jersey being worn:
Winner: Sam Cassell
Ah the good old days back when Sam I Am was a Los Angeles Clipper. (I have no recollection of him being a Clipper.) Those Buffalo Braves throwbacks were pretty sweet. There’s a lot going on with the sash running the whole way from the shirt to the shorts and the number, name and logo all on the front, but I’m a fan.
Biggest, whitest stiffs:
Winners: Primoz Brezec, Raef LaFrentz, and Viktor Khryapa
Tallest, whitest socks being worn:
Winners: Keith Van Horn and Glenn Robinson
Milwaukee! Light it up, light it up. Who’s gonna win it? The Bucks, the Bucks!
Best hangout on the rim:
Winner: Eduardo Najera
Really just wanted to include this so I could shout out the Hangout on the Rim. Which none of you will get, so story time: Over a year ago now, the Hardwood Paroxysm crew did a live Google Hangout where they talked about basketball things and people could watch. Well a bunch of us youngsters—including now fellow HP crew members Bo Churney and Cole Patty—decided to hold our own version a few days later. We called it “I can’t believe it’s not HP!” and somehow Matt and Jared found out about it. They tweeted the link and made jokes about us and we gained a ton of Twitter dot com followers. It was a pretty cool night. Anyway, we kept doing the Google Hangouts of our own and called it “Hangout on the Rim.” So yeah, shout out to the Hangout on the Rim crew.
Most true to himself:
Winner: Ricky Davis
Of course Ricky Davis’ card has him shooting a contested reverse layup. Get buckets, Ricky, get buckets.
Worst basketball action depicted:
Winner (Loser?): Joel Anthony
“Hey, so what’s the final picture we’re going with for the Joel Anthony card?”
“Hmm, this one where he’s about to get swatted?”
“Perfect. Looks great.”
Most likely to have made Sheed yell, “ball don’t lie.”
Winner: T.J. Ford
100 percent stone cold guarantee Sheed yelled, “ball don’t lie” after T.J. inevitably missed this layup.
Rarest rookie card
Winner: Kevin Pittsnogle
Most obvious member of the illuminati:
Winner: Rick Adelman
Most disappointing rookie card:
Winner: Adam Morrison
Packs of basketball cards used to be white, and if you held it to the light just the right way you could see which card was on top. Well I quickly figured out that rookie cards were always on top and I would search through all the packs in the store to find an Adam Morrison one because I thought it would be a great investment. Yeah…
Winner (Loser?): Brandon Roy
Most awkward rookie pose:
Winners: Travis Diener and Daequan Cook
“Okay Trav, we need you to look tough, look determined. Like you’re ready to go out there and destroy your competition.”
“Well, I don’t know.”
“You can do it, Trav. Just need a few more shots and we’re all set.”
“All right, I think I got it. Just gonna scowl, oh and maybe point in a vague direction.”
“Perfect! Thanks Trav, it looks great.”
“Hmm, Daequan, what should we do with you. Ah, I know. Point straight at the camera and look sultry.”
“Huh. Umm, okay man.”
“Yes, yes, that’s great. Okay now hold this basketball in your other hand.”
“Yeah, dude, this is kinda weird.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, the shots look great. Everyone will love them.”
Best dunks about to happen:
Winners: LeBron James, Josh Smith and Vince Carter
Three of the best dunkers around, three of the best basketball cards around.