Miami Heat Win Arms Race, Get Josh McRoberts (UPDATE: And Danny Granger!), Secure Multiple Championships


Never mind, LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, various supporting role players, Avian Humanoid Person, and all of the other major and minor players in the soap opera that is the Miami Heat. The Heat have secured the 2014-15 NBA championship, as well as the next Olympic gold medal, the FIBA championship, 3/4 of the dark side of the moon, an Earth-like exoplanet to be named later, and the right to choose which team relocates to Seattle. Because the Miami Heat just [expletive] got [expletive] Josh McRoberts, [expletive]!

There was a significant bidding war for the services of one Josh McRoberts, with the Hornets reportedly trying to chase off Miami’s advances. Coach Steve Clifford understands how important McRoberts was to Charlotte’s offense last year.

Now, though, the modern Basketball Jesus is taking his talents to Miami, which makes it damn near impossible for LeBron James to consider signing anywhere else. Who wouldn’t want to play with that majestic beard, those flowing locks? No one can resist a 6’10” power forward who shoots the 3 at an expected points per shot greater than 1 (36.1% from deep last year, 34.2% for his career) and one who can initiate a team’s offense from the high post and operate as a secondary point guard? If you don’t believe me, listen to Mr. #hatehard, Amin Elhassan!

This is just the first domino, my friends. Pat Riley, aka The Great Negotiator, aka The Mourning Star, aka His Eminence Front, has everything lined up, and Josh McRoberts is the beacon in these dark times that indicates Miami’s true intentions. Take heed and rejoice, Heat fans. Cower before this new dynasty, all who oppose.

UPDATE: Miami’s getting Danny Granger, too. Can you have a dynasty of a dynasty? Dynasty Squared? Whatever. Championships!

Welcome to Miami, Josh McRoberts and Danny Granger. Enjoy your championships and complimentary VIP table.

Andrew Lynch

When God Shammgod created the basketball universe, Andrew Lynch was there. His belief in the superiority of advanced statistics and the eventual triumph of expected value-based analytics stems from the fact that he’s roughly as old as the concept of counting. With that said, he still loves the beauty of basketball played at the highest level — it reminds him of the splendor of the first Olympics — and the stories that spring forth from the games, since he once beat Homer in a game of rock-paper-scissors over a cup of hemlock. Dude’s old.

  • Young Man

    This is the most rational and level-headed response to the Mcbob signing I’ve seen.

    In all seriousness, Mcbob is a very solid rotation piece. An average NBA player is worth about 5.5M a year and the Heat seemed to have paid just about that for a guy who can defend and is great at creating for his teammates. He is essentially a less skilled facsimile of Diaw but younger and with better advanced stats. Few will be impressed with this signing, but basketball nerds can appreciate Mcbob and the fact that Riley got him at fair market value instead of a gross overpay (Bradley in Boston, Gordon in Orlando, and Collison in Sacramento).

    • disqus_atlq8Zmtsd

      I would say calling him a poor man’s Bosh is a better comparison than Diaw.

      • Bo Snackson Gohardington

        So he and Danny Granger equals championships?? I must have been watching the wrong nba this season

        • disqus_atlq8Zmtsd

          I didn’t say that. But imagine if San Antonio had Greg Oden instead of Tim Duncan. This is the kind of gap there is between McRoberts and Lewis.

          It probably still wouldn’t have pushed Miami past San Antonio (or come particularly close), but at least the teams are suddenly in the same ballpark.

          Miami obviously still needs to upgrade the point guard and wing position. I don’t see Granger as a contributor right now.

          • Bo Snackson Gohardington

            I don’t see him EVER getting back to form enough to be worth wasting money on if you call yourself trying to persuade Lebron to stay… It kinda confirms that they are panicking and It’s a real chance Lebron is leaving

          • disqus_atlq8Zmtsd

            I assume by “him” you mean Granger. I have similar thoughts on the signing, but I also am skeptical Riley would waste money on such an obvious injury case.

            Dunno. Regardless, I think LeBron back to Miami was a foregone conclusion else Wade and Haslem wouldnt have opted out. I think this is just going through the process.

          • Bo Snackson Gohardington

            It’s STILL not a foregone conclusion. I think Miami had the edge until they were unable to produce. They opted out to give pat Riley the best chance to retool because everyone including James wanted to stay but more importantly Lebron wants to WIN and unfortunately Miami no longer provides the best opportunity for that. If he does go back it will be only one or 2 seasons with and opt out after 1

          • disqus_atlq8Zmtsd

            shrug. I think all the reporting of “sources” amounts to a whole lot of fuss about opinions. I would be shocked if LeBron ends up anywhere other than Miami.

            Not because Miami is the best place. Not because I have inside information. Not because I know what the roster will look like.

            I just cant imagine a scenario in which Wade and Haslem opt out unless they already knew he was coming back.

            Its all procedural at this point imo.

          • Bo Snackson Gohardington

            I get that… just for the sake of conversation look at it from the other perspective..if they had all agreed and this WAS a foregone conclusion then Lebron would have already known that he would have to take less to get things done, yet he’s demanding the max, or if they came to the conclusion that Lebron deserved the max and they would take less then they would be willing to take as much less as needed to make it work yet Bosh wants a close to max deal as well. The biggest sign that this isn’t all procedure is that we’re all (including journalists and “sources”) still talking about it and NONE OF THEM has signed yet. If they were all in accord they would’ve resigned so Pat Riley could see how much money he had to work with exactly IMO

          • disqus_atlq8Zmtsd

            Well, I figure there were two options.

            1. Explore getting a star. A guy like Lowry would be worth taking the pay cuts necessary to make it possible

            2. Stay over the cap since you get the MLE and biannual. It didn’t make sense to take the kind of pay cuts it would take to make cap space when you would only be getting players you could sign with the MLE otherwise.

            Since the sub-max stars have already resigned, I figure option 2 is in the process of happening. Since they are planning on staying over the cap, the big 3 only have to take enough of a cut to ensure Miami can continue to use the MLE without bumping into the luxury tax.

          • Bo Snackson Gohardington

            But 1. You gotta remember that Mickey Arison cut Mike Miller (whom they needed) to dodge the repeater tax so if that was an option then it would’ve been communicated and it seems it hasn’t been and the only players committed are Cole Granger (verbal) and Mcroberts (verbal) so they’re still and long way off

          • disqus_atlq8Zmtsd

            Miller’s amnesty didn’t help dodge the repeater tax. It just lowered the actual amount of their tax bill last year. i think he would have still been on the team if they thought he would stay healthy for once.

          • Bo Snackson Gohardington

            Lebron didn’t like that move bc they didn’t sign anybody else to replace him and ironically he DID stay healthy the ENTIRE SEASON for the Grizzlies lol

          • disqus_atlq8Zmtsd

            I know. Kind of funny that Miller and Wade ended up playing the same number of minutes this year.

          • Bo Snackson Gohardington

            Well I really don’t believe he’ll leave but the speculation and conversation definitely keeps basketball alive during the dead time right up to preseason football

          • Amen, Bo. And I wanted to say I appreciate all the conversation you folks have had off of this (admittedly tongue-in-cheek) post. The new NBA offseason is a lot of fun.

    • Bo Snackson Gohardington

      You guys are not kidding I assume…smh

  • Bo Snackson Gohardington

    This was complete sarcasm and satire….right? Like seriously GTFOH!