1

Jason Kidd Meets Giannis Antetokounmpo Meets Fiction

Watch your back, Giannis. (Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports)

With Jason Kidd just having wriggled his way over to Milwaukee, he’s no doubt ready to meet some of his new players. In a work of complete and total fiction, here’s how Miles imagines Kidd’s first encounter with Greek phenom Giannis Antetokounmpo would go. Totally fiction. Enjoy! -Ed.

“Hello!”

“Hark! Who goes there?”

“Hello, coach! It’s me, Giannis Antetokounmpo! Welcome to Milwaukee!”

“Oh, yes. You. The one with all the letters. Why are you in the practice facility at this ungodly hour? And you stay in Milwaukee during the summer? Hm. Who sent you?”

“Early bird eats up the worm, right Coach? Ha ha, American sayings are such a hoot! I thought I would come here on my own time in order to practice my pick-and-roll defense. Tell me, Coach, when you scouted me as an opponent, did you think my footwork when I hedged screens was –”

“Enough! You really think defense is what keeps you in this league, bub? Or being able to jump high? Or having the sort of wingspan that sends Jay Bilas into involuntary shouting? Or being in a godforsaken gym like this one, working like a damn four-eyed square on your precious little jump shot? You think I ever did any of those things, buck-o? You think that’s how I got to where I am today, at the top of the pile?” Fat chance! Heh. To be naive again. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh.”

“Coach, I — ”

“I said enough! First lesson, chump: they can’t stab you in the back if you’re holding a knife to their spine. Remember the day you got drafted, sonny? The moment they put that goofy cap on your noggin, yeah, well, they put a pair of crosshairs on you too, tough stuff. There’s nothing you can do about it except strike first, strike hardest, and strike — Who’s that?!?”

“Gah! Who is it, coach?!”

“Sorry. I thought I saw somebilly — ahem, excuse me — somebody behind that door. This isn’t a safe place. Come with me. I know an I-90 underpass where I used to meet a source who kept me monitored on Michael Redd and Joel Przybilla. Quickly!”

“But Coach, my drill cones are all over the court and I don’t want to leave it messy for — ”

“Blarney, I’ve said too much. Why did I even open my mouth in front of this guy? Think, Kidd, think! He could be Hammond’s eyes and ears! Dammit, Jason, you’re slipping. Too careless. No loose ends this time. Not if I still want to reach the ultimate goal and finally get to Salt Lake City. Ah, the promised land of the NBA!”

“Coach, what are you — ”

“I can’t help you, fella. You’re on your own. We’re all on our own.”

[Kidd exits, hood on and lapels up.]

[Scene.]

Miles Wray

  • David Curts

    That’s hilarious. It seems that everyone except the NBA brass sees Kidd as a snake. He has 9 lives in the NBA. He screwed up as a coach more than Demarcus Cousins and JR Smith put together, but the NBA just let’s him keep going with no repercussions.