NBA Oregon Trail: Larry Bird, Lone Survivor of the Indiana Pacers

Pacers Oregon Trail Hibbert Dysentery

Welcome back to #TrailTuesday, after killing off the Knicks and offering Kobe the Lakers sweet redemption, it was time for a team-building exercise for the suddenly dysfunctional Indiana Pacers. After losing to the Wizards in Game 1 of their second round series, the Pacers are in need of help, so we turned to their fearless leader Larry Bird to guide our rag-tag group of Pacers along the trail. Joining Larry Legend would be Roy Hibbert, Lance Stephenson, Evan Turner, and Andrew Bynum.

Larry was not pleased with this decision.

The Pacers got off to an inauspicious start, losing the trail just three days into their journey.

Despite faltering early, the Pacers had a strong start, floating across the first two rivers without an issue.

Naturally, Bynum was the first to become ill.

  Hoping to tweak the team chemistry, Larry looked for trade options. There were none.

Things went from bad to worse for Bynum, which I guess I should have anticipated.

However, Bynum refused to die, happily collecting his paycheck in the back of the wagon. The Pacers would push on, and would stumble into some freebies.

After a strong first half of the trail, Roy Hibbert began to fall apart (sometimes the Oregon Trail gets too real).

  The Pacers continued to lack direction. I’m not sure how, but Lavoy Allen is to blame for this.

After getting back on the trail, Evan Turner would be the next to go down.

Roy’s mental state would continue to deteriorate.

RIP Evan.

  Larry Bird is apparently not only a basketball legend, but a river-crossing expert as well.

Despite his best efforts, and even with Turner down, Bird couldn’t keep the group focused.

Despite what was working at each previous river crossing, Bird decided to roll the dice and ford the next river. It didn’t work out.

With Lance, Roy, and Evan all dead, it was down to Larry and Bynum (#TrueDetectiveSeason2). Bird, distracted by Bynum’s insistence on shooting, would lead them astray.

  They finally reached their final obstacle: The Columbia River. I’m pretty sure Larry sabotaged this just to get rid of Bynum.

  And so, in the end, Larry Bird was the final man standing. Just he and his bullets.

Bird’s inability to keep his team alive left him outside the top-ten of all-time rankings. Time to retool for next year, Larry.

Next week, we send Thibs and the Bulls down the trail. Exhaustion for everyone.

Robby Kalland

Robby covers college football for Cox Media and formerly covered the Atlanta Hawks for Hawks.com and SB Nation. He once broke a roulette table in half with Anthony Tolliver and was given a bottle of wine by Johan Petro in the same night.