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Anthony Davis Demands Entry to Dunk Contest, Has No Respect for Walls

Image by Matthew D. Britt via Flickr

Image by Matthew D. Britt via Flickr

When new commissioner Adam Silver selected Anthony Davis to replace Kobe Bryant on the 2014 Western Conference All-Star roster, he made the right choice. With the festivities in New Orleans this year, the All-Star Game and the surrounding brouhaha are poised to announce the world-destroying, ferocious virtuosity of Davis to the basketball public at large.

But Davis isn’t content with just appearing in the All-Star Game proper; he’s hard at work on a little something else, angling his way toward the Slam Dunk Contest. Via Anthony Morrow’s Instagram:

We see you, Mr. Davis — the Big Lebrowski, if I may be so bold — but I have to be the bearer of bad news. That dunk in what looks like a practice gym at Marquette University (located in Milwaukee, where the Pelicans will take on the Bucks on Wednesday night) is impressive, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not sure it’s Slam Dunk Contest-level impressive. First, unless you set something up with the NBA ahead of time, you’re probably not going to have a wall to throw the ball off of to yourself. Of course, if you figure out a way to have a fresh-from-surgery Pierre the Pelican hold a backboard for you to use to self-oop while flying over the crowd (Pierre, that is, would be flying over the crowd — though if you want to join in, feel free!), I retract this reservation.

Second, and more critically, you suffer from the fatal flaw of your ilk. Big guys just don’t look that impressive dunking on a 10-foot hoop, especially when they have Inspector Gadget-limbs and could bronze medal in the standing long jump. Again, you’d probably need to resort to some sort of environment-manipulation chicanery. A hoop that retracts from the baseline as you fly toward it would be fantastic, and it would present a pretty stunning visual. Or a rim that elevates as you do the same. Or, and this is probably impossible, a pedestal of some sort that you leap onto before jumping again to dunk on a rim 18 feet in the air. While throwing Mardi Gras beads to the crowd. I’m just spitballing here.

It’s a little too late to be throwing your hat in the ring for this year’s competition. That’s what the naysayers in the league office will say, anyway. But to hell with the rules! You’re Anthony Davis, King of New Orleans. The 2014 All-Star Weekend is your show. Do what you want. Crash the dunk contest. Participate in both “freestyle” rounds simply because you can.

And if you can get your hands on Pierre’s old beak, I know a guy who’s interested.

Andrew Lynch

When God Shammgod created the basketball universe, Andrew Lynch was there. His belief in the superiority of advanced statistics and the eventual triumph of expected value-based analytics stems from the fact that he’s roughly as old as the concept of counting. With that said, he still loves the beauty of basketball played at the highest level — it reminds him of the splendor of the first Olympics — and the stories that spring forth from the games, since he once beat Homer in a game of rock-paper-scissors over a cup of hemlock. Dude’s old.