They’re not (yet) All-Star teammates, but New Orleans Pelicans and Houston Rockets stars Anthony Davis and James Harden joined forces for a new commercial from Foot Locker. Quite literally:
It’s a funny advertisement. Effective marketing, truly.
And it’s a terrifying thought for the NBA. Is there a more effective combination of skill sets and athletic abilities than the Beard and the Brow? Take Harden’s shooting, ball handling, finishing at the rim, and ability to get to the free throw line seemingly at will. Add Davis’s Inspector Gadget-length, defensive instincts, pick-and-roll prowess, and youth. Destroy all teams that stand in opposition to the basketball Frankenstein that arises.
With apologies to LeBron James and Kevin Durant, Captain BrowBeard would be the greatest player in the league by a pretty substantial margin. There are some other on-court chimeras that could do a substantial amount of damage, though, and a full examination of the potential hybridization of human beings with the assumption that qualities could be chosen at will and expressed as dominant in the resulting creation wouldn’t be complete without their consideration:
- LeBron James and Roy Hibbert. Verticality plus an Abrams tank traveling at Mach 1. With a neural net processor for a brain. And laser-heat vision. LeBroy Jabbert could conceivably jump straight up 20 feet in the air. Which wouldn’t be very effective defense, come to think of it.
- Shaquille O’Neal and Stephen Curry. New rule that I just made up: you can choose players from the past at their peak. In that case, I’m giving Shaq the ability to hit 3-pointers whenever he wants and shoot free throws at a nearly 90% clip. The only risk here is that Staquille O’Curry goes into full “The regular season doesn’t matter” mode. I’m not sure an unmotivated 7-foot, 300 pound monster who can shoot from 30 feet would ever get below either three point line.
- Rasheed Wallace and Dennis Rodman. Some men just want to watch the world burn. Though in my defense, this volatile mixture would grab every miss, redefining the very concept of an “available rebound.” There would be no more rebound percentage, as the state of rebounding would be expressed in binary. 1 for Sheed Rodman, 0 for everyone else. Assuming, of course, that he’d ever get on the court long enough between technical fouls to actually grab a rebound.
- Michael Jordan and Vince Carter. Zero expectations for this one. Would Jordan’s legendary competitiveness drive his Carter side to unlock the full potential of their joined powers? Would Carter’s more laidback attitude temper the fact that Jordan would rather punch himself in the face than lose? Would they cancel the Slam Dunk Contest in Mince Jorter’s honor, or might it instead end up as a ceremonial exhibition dedicated to the patron saint of the dunk?
- J.R. Smith and Chris Smith. Knicks for life. And I feel like a creative artists’ agency could find an effective way to market these guys, too.