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Russell Westbrook To Return Against Suns, Is a Time-Traveling Space Astronaut Of Infinite Justice

First, he was supposed to be out for 4-6 weeks. Not 4-6 weeks from the date of the surgery to repair a loose stitch in Russell Westbrook’s knee, mind you — the first 4-6 weeks of the regular season.

Then, just a few days ago, it was reported that Westbrook was well ahead of that schedule and might miss just the first two weeks of the regular season. Impressive, truly, for a player to recover that quickly, even from an operation that could be construed as routine maintenance on a world-annihilating cyborg of Westbrook’s ilk.

Now, Russell Westbrook is set to return to NBA action against the Phoenix Suns less than one week into the regular season. Oklahoma City Thunder GM Sam Presti released this statement earlier today:

“Russell Westbrook has gone through a methodical rehab process jointly created by our medical and performance teams and treating physicians,” Presti said in the statement. “The process has been instrumental in getting Russell to this point and has included various physical and medical benchmarks. The final benchmark being unrestricted basketball activity. After hitting the necessary marks, all parties, including the team, consulting physicians, Russell’s representatives, and most importantly Russell, jointly determined that returning to play was the correct next step.”

 

via Russell Westbrook To Play For OKC Thunder Sunday Night – News9.com – Oklahoma City, OK – News, Weather, Video and Sports |

I think we all know what’s going on here, even if we’ll only acknowledge it in hushed whispers and off-the-record GChats. You’re thinking it. I’m thinking it. There’s no shame in that.

Russell Westbrook is a time-traveling astronaut using the theory of relativity to manipulate time and space. It’s the only thing that makes sense. And the evidence was always there — those goofy outfits that he wears before and after games aren’t Earth clothes. They’re fashions from another place and time, brought to this planet to give us hope that in the future, on the far-flung planet of Omicron Persei 8, the universe is so at peace that we can all regale ourselves in the finest finery. There is no war; there is no hunger. There is only ostentatious accessorizing and equal rights for all carbon-based lifeforms.*

*Silicon-based lifeforms, however, are still (rightfully) looked down upon. Learn to be made of better elements, Crystalsapiens.

It seems clear that Westbrook boarded his interstellar spacecraft, turned the gravity to a ridiculously high setting and ventured forth at a speed as close to absolute zero as possible. The relative discrepancy between his frame of reference and the speed of the Earth meant that approximately 6 months passed for Westbrook in the span of a single month on our planet.

Or maybe it’s the other way around, and Westbrook approached the speed of light. I’m not a physicist; I’ve just seen Contact way more times than is humanly healthy.

Either way, expect Westbrook to be a bit out of sorts in his first game back. Not because he’s not 100%, naturally, but because to come out of the gate and score 90 points would tip us off pretty quickly to his manipulation of the fourth dimension.

We see you, Westbrook. But as long as you don’t pull out a photon torpedo and destroy Eric Bledsoe, your secret is safe with us.

Andrew Lynch

When God Shammgod created the basketball universe, Andrew Lynch was there. His belief in the superiority of advanced statistics and the eventual triumph of expected value-based analytics stems from the fact that he’s roughly as old as the concept of counting. With that said, he still loves the beauty of basketball played at the highest level — it reminds him of the splendor of the first Olympics — and the stories that spring forth from the games, since he once beat Homer in a game of rock-paper-scissors over a cup of hemlock. Dude’s old.