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Gregg Popovich Ridicules Government Shutdown, Should Be President

San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich has a reputation for being rather recalcitrant with the media, but that’s unfair. The man simply doesn’t enjoy softball questions asked with little background study done by the reporter asking the question. If you want to get an actual answer from Pop, you’ve got to do your homework and ask a question that actually engages him — or else you’re going to get hit with a “I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.

That’s generally the case for basketball-related questions, anyway. What about if you were to ask Pop about the government shutdown, though? Would he give you an actual answer?

Well, no; instead, he’ll give you solid gold in sonic form, an Au assault on your aural capacities. Take it away, Pop!

Video courtesy of Papa Bear Matt Moore.

Leave it to the greatest basketball coach on the planet to put the government shutdown in proper perspective. I particularly enjoyed his aside about foreign players’ perception of our silly Parliamentary Congressional procedure; it’s fun to imagine that one of the reasons the Spurs acquire so many players from afar is so that Pop has someone to talk to about global politics and the prevailing trend toward regional trade agreements in the late 90s and early aughts.

Even more fun? Imagining what the government would look like under President Pop. A few choice thoughts:

  • The White House press secretary would be replaced by an animatronic puppet set to smirk incessantly and offer rueful “No comments.”
  • Bruce Bowen would be named Secretary of Defense, and our entire military budget would henceforth go toward eliminating anyone who even hinted at the fact that Bowen was a dirty player.
  • Members of Congress would be open to recall elections any time that they weren’t in proper position during a key debate on the House floor. Senators who gamble to steal votes and forego proper party alignment would be benched for the remainder of their term.
  • Tony Parker, Nando de Colo and Boris Diaw would be named the French Embassy. Not ambassadors; the whole damned embassy.
  • The budget would not be balanced; it would balance itself at the behest of Treasury Secretary R.C. Buford.
  • Infrastructure and education allocations would increase tenfold so that Pop would never, ever again have to deal with a dumb question once he returned to the private sector.
  • Enemy combatants would be treated with the utmost respect and dignity, so long as they’d never attempted a contested midrange artillery shelling.
  • Tim Duncan wouldn’t care about any of this at all, so at least something would still be the same.
  • Lastly, this would be the new Presidential Seal: gregg-popovich-approved-o

Some might say many of those new Popovichian government standards would violate the Constitution and the living law of the United States, to which I respond: Gregg Popovich is the law. Accept it. Love it. Live it.

Andrew Lynch

When God Shammgod created the basketball universe, Andrew Lynch was there. His belief in the superiority of advanced statistics and the eventual triumph of expected value-based analytics stems from the fact that he’s roughly as old as the concept of counting. With that said, he still loves the beauty of basketball played at the highest level — it reminds him of the splendor of the first Olympics — and the stories that spring forth from the games, since he once beat Homer in a game of rock-paper-scissors over a cup of hemlock. Dude’s old.