Knicks Fan Walks Into a Therapist’s Office

Jared: So, how does this work?

Therapist: How would you like it to work?

Jared: I guess I just, I tell you what I’m thinking?

Therapist: If that’s what you want to do.

Jared: I had a dream the other night.

Therapist: And?

Jared: Well, not just the other night. A recurring dream I guess. Same thing over and over for a while now.

Therapist: Recurring dreams are often a symptom of Post Traumatic Stre–

Jared: Okay so in the dream, I’m just sitting there on the couch watching the Knicks game…

Therapist: You’re dreaming about basketball?

Jared: Well, yeah. Anyway, I’m watching the Knicks game. And they’re losing, like by a lot.

Therapist: I see. And how many times have you had this dream?

Jared: About five times in the last eight or nine days. Anyway, the Knicks are losing. But the weird thing is, it isn’t the Knicks that I’m watching. They’re missing a bunch of players. And they stink on offense.

Therapist: Tell me more about that.

Jared: First of all, Gallo’s not on the team anymore. And that totally sucks, because he’s awesome. He’s a good shooter, and the Knicks need shooters to space the floor in Mike D’Antoni’s system. He can take it to the rim, get some free throws. Gotten a lot better at that over the last few years. He’s also a versatile defender, which always helps when your defensive system requires you to switch on nearly every pick. So it wouldn’t really make sense for him to not be on the team.

Therapist: It sounds like you’re quite worked up about this Gallo.

Jared: Yeah. He’s one of my favorite Knicks. I really don’t understand why he wouldn’t be on the team. He’s pretty much the perfect fit for D’Antoni’s offense, and the crowd really loves him. Oh, also, Raymond Felton’s gone. Not so happy about that either, by the way. Dude is a bulldog. He generated some nice chemistry with Amar’e Stoudemire last year, and they’re off to a great start to this season too. In the dream though, Toney Douglas and Mike Bibby are playing a lot of minutes at point guard for the Knicks, and neither of them is very productive at all. And Amar’e just kind of runs into people, throws the ball at the rim and screams, “AND ONE!” like Carlos Boozer. He also stands around the perimeter and misses jumpers. And lets guys on the other team get open for jumpers. All the time. Basically, Amar’e kind of stinks. That’s pretty depressing.

Therapist: Go on.

Jared: Carmelo’s still on the team. And he’s still just being Melo. He’s taking lots and lots of shots. He’s making less than he misses, especially from three. Oh, let me back up a second. Carmelo got traded to the Knicks. In February. That was an especially weird development, since I remember him signing with the Knicks on the first day of free agency after the lockout ended. He took less money to come to New York to play with his pal Amar’e and everything, just like Donnie Walsh thought he would. Not in the dream though. In the dream, Melo came to the Knicks with Chauncey Freakin’ Billups, Anthony Carter, Corey Brewer and RENALDO BALKMAN. Yeah, Sayid Jarrah is back on the Knicks. Crazy.

Therapist: And this is different from what you remember?

Jared: Uh, yeah. Everybody knew Melo was destined for New York. Why would they have had to trade for him? And they gave up Gallo, Felton, Timo Mozgov AND Wilson Chandler? That’s three starters and a serviceable big man. I mean, Chandler wound up leaving as a free agent after the lockout anyway. He had to so the Knicks could sign Carmelo. But why would the Knicks give up the rest of those guys? Anyway, I’m sitting on the couch watching the game that the Knicks are losing, and all of a sudden my dad walks into the room.

Therapist: Your father came in?

Jared: My dad, yeah. Only, it wasn’t actually my dad. In the dream, my dad was Baron Davis. The guy from the Warriors. With a HUGE beard and some weird hipster glasses.

Therapist: Fathers are powerful figures in our lives. We often depend on them when we’re most in need. Maybe there’s something there? This Baron Davis, is he an important and powerful figure for the Knicks in your dream? Do they need him?

Jared: That makes sense. They definitely need him. Which is a big part of the problem. They don’t have a point guard anymore. That’s why they’re so bad on offense. They have no rhythm, no flow and no way to get easy shots. You need a point guard in order to play Mike D’Antoni’s system the way it’s supposed to be played. Everybody knows that. Especially Knicks management. That’s why they hired the poor guy. It’s a good thing Raymond Felton’s still around to get Amar’e and Carmelo the ball where they need it, because if the Knicks had to depend on Baron Davis, I’d probably freak the hell out.

Therapist: Why do you call Mike D’Antoni a poor guy?

Jared: Well, in my dream, everyone at The Garden is constantly chanting for him to be fired. Lots of boos too. They’re even chanting, “We want Woodson!” for Mike Woodson. The coach from the Hawks. He’s the guy responsible for all that switching. He’s like, the defensive coordinator. He’s really taken Gallo to another level defensively this season. But the Knicks would never fire Mike D and make him the head coach. Not unless the team was in a crisis.

Therapist: It’s interesting that you use that word: crisis.

Jared: Sure. Whatever.

Therapist: What else happens in this dream?

Jared: Well, I guess there are a couple of positive things. Tyson Chandler’s on the Knicks somehow. I know, crazy, right? The dude who played awesome defense in the Finals. He’s playing well, actually. Problem is, he’s pretty much the only guy on the team who is. And he’s messing up the spacing on offense. Amar’e sucks when he’s on the floor with Tyson. There are numbers to prove it and everything. There’s a rookie, too. Shump-Shump. Mike doesn’t usually play rookies, so he must be pretty good if he’s getting consistent minutes. It seems like he’s often playing out of position though. He’s not really a point guard. Good on defense, but kind of wildly erratic on offense. Never know what you’ll get with that guy. OH!! Speaking of guys who actually play for D’Antoni as rookies, Landry Fields is pretty atrocious in the dream. He’s not getting his usual hustle points on offense, he’s leaving everyone and their mother open for jumpers on the other end and he generally looks pretty hesitant with everything he does. And…

Therapist: Jared, I’m gonna need you to stop there, because we’re almost out of time. In the interest of your mental health, I’m just going to tell you something. It may be unsettling at first, and it may make you upset, but in the long run it will help you.

Jared: Uh, okay?

Therapist: You’re having what are called delusions. You’re imagining things that never happened. Living in a world that cannot be.

Jared: That’s great news, doc. So the Knicks are fine? Everything’s gonna be okay. It was all just a dream.

Therapist: No, Jared. The dreams? They’re all real. That’s real life. THIS, is the dream. I’m not real. You’re not here. The Knicks traded for Carmelo.

Jared: Huh?

Therapist: They gave up Gallo and Felton and Chandler and Mozgov. First round picks too.

Jared: Are you sure?

Therapist: They do stink on offense this year.

Jared: You’re lying. With Amar’e and Carmelo and D’Antoni?

Therapist: Garden fans are chanting to fire Mike D’Antoni.

Jared: YOU’RE TELLING ME, “WE WANT WOODSON!” ACTUALLY HAPPENED?!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

Therapist: They have lost five games in the last eight nights.

Jared: Nuh-uh. No way.

Therapist: It all happened. You’ve just been imagining an alternate universe. But that’s not reality. And it’s very important that you come to realize that. It’s time to snap back to reality, Jared. You need to wake up.

Jared: Oh. Well. Uh, that’s pretty depressing.

Therapist: Yeah.

Jared Dubin

Jared Dubin is a New York lawyer and writer. He is the co-editor in chief of Hardwood Paroxysm and the HPBasketball Network.