Joe Johnson Owns A High Tech Shoe Vault … What Do You Own?

Photo from ell brown via Flickr

“I wanted to display all of my shoes, so I had this 500-square-foot closet made. I just thought this would be a cool idea, and it would almost look like a museum. I had a fingerprint sensor put on the door to make sure I’m the only one who can get in here. I mostly wear Air Jordans. All of the Jordan guys are selected by Michael Jordan himself. It’s kind of hard to tell MJ no. I have 436 pairs of sneakers in here, and they’re mostly unworn. I’ll wear all of them eventually.”

- Joe Johnson 

via What’s in Joe Johnson’s Closet? | Stacey Pressman | ESPN The Magazine/Page 2

If the lockout has done any good, it’s really allowed us to forge a connection with these players that often seem larger than life. Learning more about their lives outside of basketball has brought a clearer perspective of who these guys are as people. For an upcoming issue of ESPN The Magazine, Stacey Pressman takes a look at Joe Johnson’s wardrobe, his must-buy tips, and makes a startling discovery: Joe has an enormous shoe “museum” with fingerprint security.

…Wait, Joe Johnson has a what now?

And to think I thought I was at the vanguard of high tech security. My laptop has an eyeball scanner to make sure I’m the only one with access to my information. Except it only works in brightly lit conditions, and only when I’m awake enough to open my eyes wide. And sometimes it lags for quite a while. But it’s worth it, because I know I’m secure.

I know Joe Johnson understands me, because this fingerprint sensor is essentially the same concept, except 120 million times better. I’m sure he can stroll into his closet at any time, even if he’s sleepwalking with his eyes closed. See, I can’t do that with my laptop. But it isn’t just for show. When you’re in possession of 436 pairs of rare and valuable sneakers, security isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. Likewise, behind my eye sensor are Google Chrome windows with over 50 tabs of old Penny Hardaway articles from the Sports Illustrated Vault, neglected homework assignments, and food blogs. I have to ensure the safety of these links from the deviance of my cruel roommates. If anything were to happen, it’d be impossible to know when I’d ever see those links again. Luckily, I can sleep well at night knowing that a breach will never happen. I’m sure Joe Johnson sleeps well at night too, for reasons that go beyond futuristic shoe-protection technology.

Moral of the story? Joe Johnson is very, very rich.

Seth Carstens