ABA Power Rankings: Drunken Mule Horse Edition

The following are the ABA Power Rankings from ABA CEO Joe Newman. Descriptions sponsored by Bob “NETO” Netolicky. Who once wrestled a bear. For fun.

1.  SETX Mavericks: “Wait, what the hell is a sex maverick? Is that that Palin chick from Alaska? I’d give her a shampoo rub, I would. What? It’s Setex? What’s Setex? When did we start playing in England?”
2.  Music City Stars: “You know, I could have been a Music City Star. I play a mean banjo. Of course, back in my day they were called ‘shimshackles.’ But you knew that, didn’t you, you minx.”
3.  Kentucky Bisons: Hate Bisons. Taste like turkey jerkey, but don’t regulate you like turkey jerkey. Just leaves you screaming naked at the moon on a cold winter’s day, crying out for redemption for the loss of your kin. Also forces you to make stew, which means you have to filter your own urine and that’s a pain.”
4.  Jersey Express: “We were playing the Americans one time and I needed a sandwich during a timeout. So I told the ball boy to bring me a sharkfin sandwich. Little bastard brought me back tuna fish. So after the game I had sex with his mother. Had a double-double that game, too. “
5.  San Francisco Rumble: “I’m not legally allowed to talk about this due a court order following our farewell tour in ’75. The horror… the horror.”
6.  Chicago Steam: “You know, I miss bath-houses. Yes, I’m aware that they became synonymous with the freewheeling pre-AIDS culture in San Francisco, but have you ever steamed yourself in a bath house with a fresh sarsaparilla  for a few hours? Had to do that for two hours after a game in Chicago once. Maybe that’s where this team gets its name. What’s that? No, of course there wasn’t an ABA team in Chicago. It was a connect-four game!”
7.  North Texas Fresh: “Just across the border on I-35 there’s a Whataburger. If you go to that Whataburger and kick loose the fourth block from the lower left on the eastern side, you’ll find my stash of razor blades I’ve had to use in Texas. Lot of blood on those blades. Also a lot of ketchup.”
8.  Kansas City Stars: “I’m so glad Kansas City’s got the professional basketball back. The remnant mob culture creates so many more opportunities for the players to make some extra money. A professional athlete cannot live on a dollar sixty a day! You need your meat!”
9.  NY Red Riders: “Used to play in the armory versus the New York Americans up there. After the game we’d go fire 50-cals at the giant rats that would hang out by the dock. Nowadays, my kids call them ‘hipsters.’ “
10. Mississippi Blues: “Best bluesman alive was Rick Mount. Every time you played HORSE with him, he gave you the blues! Nyuck nyuck nyuck.”
11. Bluegrass Stallions: “Can’t belive they named a team after my favorite kind of upper.”
12. San Diego Surf: “Biggest wave I ever rode was so high I could see all the way down Faye Dunaway’s shirt. It was fantastic. Scored a double-double that night, too.”
13.  West Virginia Blazers: “In ’73, my Blazer collection had grown so huge that I had to build a separate house for them. There they mated and began spawning new blazers. They were glorious, all the colors of the rainbow. Tragically, they were all destroyed when I burned my house down for fun.”
14. Dallas Generals: “Dallas generally rules. What with their lax-restrictions on hoo-hoo-houses and firearms. I’d live there if the sheriff hadn’t told me otherwise.”
15. West Texas Whirlwind: “Rode one of those once. Had a double-double that night, too.”
16. Cleveland Rockers: “They were going to put my jock-strap in the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame, but they said the reverberations made the building unstable. I said their mom was unstable.”
17. Las Vegas Aces: “Don’t ever mention that town to me again. You hear me?”
18. NYC Thunder: “Three teams in New York? A three-way? I played in a three-way game one time. The difficult part was figuring out who to pass to. Didn’t bother me much, though, since I just shot overhand jumpers most of the game and scored 68 points.”
19. Lake Michigan Admirals: “I’m the only man to have wrestled the Lake Michigan Shark. What? There is no Lake Michigan Shark? Well, not anymore there’s not!”
20. Maryland Marvels: “I played an exhibition game against a Marvels team once. Not in Maryland, though. It was on a magical land far away and we played on technicolor xylophones painted with unicorn blood. In an unrelated story, Roger Brown gave me something weird before the game.”
21. Sacramento Heatwave: “Worst heatwave I ever lived through was in New Zealand in 72. I went there to train, pulling dead camels across the desert before draining 700 jumpers. Helped though, but man I was dehydrated.”
22. Los Angeles Slam: “It’s cool that they named a team after my 1970 date with that girl from Paris.”
23. Columbus Crush: “Mmmm….soda.”
24. Texas Fuel: “I worked at a gas station for some time when the league was having financial trouble. Once filled sixteen cars at once while dribbling. Got a double-double, too.”
Find out more about the ABA here. Or about the actual ABA here.

Matt Moore

Matt Moore is a Senior NBA Blogger for CBSSports.com's Eye on Basketball blog, weekend editor of Pro Basketball Talk on NBCSports.com, and co-editor of Voice on the Floor. He lives in Kansas City due to an unbelievably complex set of circumstances and enjoys mid-90's pop rock, long walks on the beach and the novels of Tim Sandlin.