Stages of Grief, Starring Gerald Wallace and a Casual Bobcats Fan

An adventure in the ‘casual fan’ reaction to the events surrounding last night’s Bobcats-Lakers contest.

1. Shock and Denial: “NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO.  GERALD.  NOT NOW.  PLEASE GOD NOT NOW.  ohno-ohno-ohno.  This isn’t happening.  This isn’t happening.  This isn’t happening.  And it’s definitely not happening right now, when the Bobcats kinda need Gerald to y’know, guard people, and rebound, and stuff.  Nope.

2. Pain: Dammit.  Man, that looks like a hard fall.  My sides hurt just thinking about it.  Bynum totally did that on purpose.  You take the foul if you have to, you hold the guys arms in the air, that’s fine.  But you get up there, you overrated nerfherder.  You don’t just undercut guys while they’re up in the air, hip checking them into hardwood oblivion.   It’s on, Bynum.  It is so on.

3. Anger and Bargaining More Anger: …AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

4. Depression: The injury probably wasn’t even that bad…I mean it looked bad in real-time.  But in slow motion, he just kind of slowly drifts to the floor, clutching his chest.  I mean —

— …I hate you, Derek Fisher.  I hate you so much.  I know you can make clutch threes.  You don’t have to prove anything anymore.  But can’t you please just let the Bobcats win?  I need to feel something in this empty shell that once housed my heart, and all I feel now in unspeakable grief.

5. The Upward Turn Anger, Again: THAT’S RIGHT, KOBE.  THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOUR TEAMMATE IS A CRASH KILLER.  ENJOY THE BENCH.

6. Reconstruction No, Seriously, I’m Pissed: A collapsed lung?  You collapsed his lung, Bynum?!  And I had the nerve to think everything would be okay.  You just grabbed a guys lung with your fumbly fist and squeezed the life out of a good three-fourths of it, until all of his precious alveoli were like tiny smashed grapes.  You heartless bastard.  You won’t get away with this.  I swear, if it’s the last thing I do…

7. Acceptance of Hope Toilet-Paper Bynum’s House: Ha.  That’ll teach him.

Seth Carstens