It’s Not Wrong To Love Winners, It’s Wrong To Be A Loser

INT. Cavs Training Camp Locker Room

Mo Williams: Man, it’s good to be here. It’s so much warmer here! It’s like a tropical paradise! And all these weapons! Ben Wallace, Anderson Varejao, Wally Szczerbiak? I feel like a kid in a candy store!

LeBron James: Hey, guys! How is everyone? Good? Good? I don’t care. At all. About any of you. Let’s try this damn thing one more time, see if we can’t actually play something resembling basketball, what do you say?

Daniel Gibson: Sure thing, Skipper!

Mo Williams: Oh, hey, LeBron! I know we haven’t gotten to talk in person since the trade, I just wanted to say what’s up and say how excited I am to be playing with you.

LeBron: You’re the new guy in charge of giving me the ball and taking the blame when we lose, right?

Mo: Well, I’m your new point guard.

LeBron: What about that guy?

LeBron points to Delonte West who’s hanging upside down in a corner like Michael Keaton in ‘Batman.’

Mo: Oh, well, he’s going to be a great part of our offense, off the bench. He’ll be great.

Delonte West: ….I’m Batman.

LeBron: Whatever, whatever. Hey, how you like my hat?

Mo: Oh, it’s… um… great. But I have to ask you… I mean, it’s a Yankees hat. Are you sending a signal that that’s where you want to be? Just between us.

LeBron: NO, man! How many times do I have to tell people! I have always been a Yankees fan.

Mo: Oh, I didn’t know that! That makes perfect sense!

LeBron: Yeah, man! I don’t know why everyone’s freaking out. They were good when I was a kid, so I was a fan. Same thing with this Cowboys jersey. And my collection of Jordan jerseys. And my Patrick Roy jersey. And my Tiger Woods hat.

Mo: Oh, well, you certainly like winners. But I bet you’re loyal to them, now, right?

LeBron: Hell, no! The Cowboys were my favorite team until the Broncos won. Man, Elway was my favorite player ever. Until the Rams won. No one will ever touch Marshall Faulk, you know? But then Tom Brady, man, that was when I really found my team. That was a team made for me.

Mo: Oh, I haven’t seen you in a Patriots jersey…

LeBron: Duh. That’s because the Cowboys are my favorite team! Aren’t you listening?

Mo: So why do you still have the Yankees hat?

LeBron: Because you don’t abandon the ship when it looks really awesome! God! Where are you from?

Mo: Well, I just came from Milwaukee…

LeBron: What’s a Milwaukee? Oh, wait, is that where that Australian dude plays? I love Fosters. And that guy that carried my bags during the Olympics is there, too, right?

Mo: You mean Michael Redd? One of the best shooters in the game?

LeBron: Whatever. I’m thinking about getting myself a Giants jersey. They’re pretty good, right?

Mo: So you just attach yourself to whoever’s biggest at that moment, with no regard for loyalty or long term traditions?

LeBron: I hate losers.

Mo: But the Cavs have never won a championship and have yet to show that they can get over the hump with this core of players. So how does that figure into you not leaving for New York in two years?

LeBron: Yo, I gotta go. Jay-Z’s on the phone. He’s got a killer chicken pesto recipe for me.

Delonte West: … I’m Batman.

Mo: This is bad.

Hardwood Paroxysm