Reel Rotations: The Untouchables

Reel Rotations examines what your lineup would look like if it were comprised of characters from popular culture.


PG: Eliot Ness-
Mr. Goody Goody Two Shoes has to run point. He’s the guy in charge. He directs everything. When the team loses, like when he busts into a completely legit business and busts them (“Let’s do some good!”), he takes the heat for it (sticking that clipping to the wall; you think Starbury ever does that?). When the team does something right, he gets everyone together for a picture. He listens to his teammates to find what works (“Tax evasion?”) and tries to keep communication open with the coach. Plus, he’s got great hands (especially when it coems to catching baby carriages mid-gunfight). And he’s probably the most valuable player on the team, if you don’t vomit when he opens his mouth. “The law’s the law” blah blah blah blah blah. Good God, if this guy was on my team, I’d be drunk all the time. Which means he probably played for the Warriors at some point. Wait, no, he’d probably object to Nellie’s disregard for fundamentals, the pansy.

Best resembles: Chris Paul

SG: Oscar Wallace- The little tax dude plays shooting guard. I know, I know, he’s not guarding Kobe. He’s a pure 2, entirely there for shooting. Besides, he’s too damn small to play any other position. Weasley little bastard has a flair for partying, too, as seen when he gulps the whiskey pouring from the bullethole on the bridge. So he can carry on that long standing tradition. He’s a little insecure about his own skills, but he can shoot the lights out when you piss him off. Of course, the moron gets on the elevator with the key witness and doesn’t have his gun drawn, so he’s not the brightest crayon in the box. Then again, those glasses were slammin’ at the time. And it was because of him that Capone got taken down, so you gotta hand it to the little guy. Injury issues might be a problem, however, on account of a nasty “got shot several times in an elevator and had blood used as fingerpaint” injury. He’s listed as day to day. Good news, he’ll still try harder than Vince Carter.

Best resembles: Juan Dixon

SF: George Stone (Giusseppe Petri)- Long, athletic, foreign. I smell wing! The resident badass on the Untouchables would definitely be terrific in transition, and he’s the best shooter on the club. Plays great defense (he pwned that bridge), and he’s not afraid to get his hands dirty. Attitude’s going to be a problem though, especially if you call him a wop, you stinking Irish pig. He will kick your ass so far up you’ll be able to taste your 1920s boxer briefs. Injury’s not a problem, though, as he manages not to get shot. He’s going to be the star of your team, though, so you better keep an eye on his ego. He does listen to authority, and knows how to give the media all the safe little soundbites (“to protect the property and citizenry of…”). Ness is going to get all the media attention, but you’re putting Stone on the posters.

Best resembles: Carmelo Anthony

PF: Jim Malone- You want to win this game? How far are you willing to go? You want to know how to get Kobe Bryant? He pulls out Odom, you pull a gun. He posterizes one of your guys? You send one of his back to Spain crying with his tail between his legs. That’s the Chicago way. Malone is your all around guy. Veteran leader. Knows how to bang the glass. Can still put one back hard when he wants to. Has sage advice for his teammates. Injury might be an issue, since not only is he older than dirt, but he’s got a nasty habit of getting shot a million f*cking times. Still, he’ll play through pain, but he tends to make a mess, and I’m not sure bleeding all over the floor will vibe with Stu Jackson. He’s also the guy who’s going to do the most little things to get the win for you. Here endeth the lesson.

Best resembles: Robert Horry.

C: Mike Dorsett- He’s the aging veteran who just did his part, made good with the team, and is now a starter. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t try, he’s a waste of space, and a lot of the team you’re concernced he might be shaving points. He’s got some size to him, but he’s too old to do anything unless he’s cherry picking something. Keep your eye on him, because he’s likely to sell you out at the first chance he gets. Not exactly a team player, if you dig.

Best resembles: Zach Randolph

Bench:
F- Al Capone: Such talent. Such a bad attitude. Loved by his team, hated by referees and coaches. A smart player with limited physical capabilities, but who makes up for it with a ruthless desire to win. Well liked in the locker room for his amiable personality and sharp wit. Short temper, and often in trouble with authorities. Tends to splurge with his contract money, and the IRS is always hanging out at the office. Not a tougher player on your team, but you can’t start him because you never know when he’ll be in trouble. Wants to be a global icon. Also, at no point should you ever, ever let him near a baseball bat. Does understand the team concept, though…

Best resembles: Rasheed Wallace/LeBron James/JR Smith

Overall: A strong team, but has some issues, most notably injury. A lot of infighting. While the starting five get along reasonably well, character flaws can create on-court tension. Trading Capone for Dick Tracy might be a good start.

Hardwood Paroxysm