Flight Ubuntu

Int. Celtics’ Charter Flight
The Celtics are strapped in and waiting for their plane to leave the terminal. All the seats are green. A giant “Ubuntu” poster hangs over head. The overhead bins are stuffed with hotel towels that read “(Hotel Chain)- Los Angeles,” small bottles of shampoo, and In and Out Burger kid’s meal toys. Doc Rivers sits in the front row, a clipboard beside him buried under a stack of motivational books and what appears to be a gigantic six sided die with all the primary members of the Celtics’ bench on it. KG is strapped to a chair, occasionally twitching and gnashing his teeth. Rajon Rondo seems to be struggling with a Gameboy Advanced, with limited success. James Posey is randomly punching seats in front of him whenever their occupant isn’t looking. Big Baby Davis is eating. Assistant coach Tom Thibideau is harnessing the dark arts.

Rondo: God, why can’t I beat this level of Dr. Wario?!

Sam Cassell (after tossing entire bag of peanuts into his mouth the second he opens it): Maybe because you keep fake passing it to everyone on the plane?

Rondo fakes a toss to Pierce and tries to get back in time to finish the level. He fails. Again.

Leon Powe: Is it just me or are we taking a long time to get out of here?

James Posey (punches himself in the face when he’s not looking): Is it just me or do you take a long time to get out of anywhere?

Leon Powe: I’m sorry, who’s the hero on this plane?

Paul Pierce, James Posey, and Sam Cassell all simultaneously answer: Me.

Thibideau cocks an eyebrow, then resumes summoning demons.

Tony Allen: You know, Leon’s right. We are taking a long time to get out of here. It’s been almost thirty minutes.

PJ Brown stops, slowly turns to face Allen’s chair.

Brown: Who the hell are you?

Tony Allen: I’m… I’m Tony Allen.

Brown: Who?

Allen: You know. Tony Allen. Drafted by the Celtics in 2004?

Brown: Wait, I thought Rondo was their first draft pick.

Allen: No, you know, I was drafted before. Where the hell do you think Bird came from?

Brown: According to Thibodeau, I don’t want to ask. So you used to play?

Allen: You’re older than me. I scored 6 points last game.

Brown: I thought your name was Eddie House.

Allen: No, Eddie’s over…hey, where’s Eddie?

Int. Los Angeles Major Chain Hotel
A man is standing at the counter, he seems very agitated.

Eddie House: What the hell do you mean they just left?! I scored six points last night! Damn it! How many times can this happen?!

Int. Plane
Loud noises seem to be coming from the plane’s propulsion system.

Doc Rivers slams down the Sudoku he’s working on on top of the play diagrams.

Rivers: What is the world coming to when a man cannot figure out his own Sedoku due to plane noises? We have to focus, here, boys! Focus! Ubuntu!

All Celtics: UBUNTU!

Stewardess: I’m sorry, gentlemen, I don’t know how to tell you this. But I’m afraid there’s been some sort of mechanical problem. We’re going to have to bring in new parts. We’ll have to get you on another flight.

A collective groan drifts out.

Doc: Okay, boys. You heard the lady. Get all the stuff from the hote…the equipment and head out. Rondo, you’ve got the Ticket.

The players grab their things and start to wander off the plane. Rondo comes over to KG, who’s currently growling. He shackles one arm and undoes a strap, preparing to lash the other one. He occasionally and arbitrarily head fakes while he does it.

Rondo: I wonder what caused the problem?

KG (very low tone, almost a growl): I did.

Everyone stops.

KG: My intensity and fearsome will to win shook loose the mechanical pieces and rendered the plane inoperable. Much like my defense and determination will destroy our enemies immobile.

Rondo (head fakes again): What a bunch of crap. Was it that intensity that shook the rim around on those free throws you clanged there, last night, Chief 2.0?

KG’s head slowly turns and his teeth gnash.

Perkins: Hey, Rondo, make sure that the other lash is…

KG bursts out of the chair and mauls Rondo. The other Celtics try and pull him off, KG discards them. Finally, Pierce puts a hand on his shoulder and KG eases back into the Cobra pose long enough for Perkins to shackle him again.

Rondo is shaken, but unhurt.

Rondo: He could have killed me!

Pierce: No. If he wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead.

Perkins: Still. I wonder what it is that took out the plane? I mean, it seems odd with us leaving LA on a one day turnaround and all.

Ext. Tarmac
A single figure runs away from the plane at full speed. He dashes, and there seems to be a light giggle coming from him as he sprints for the buildings. A security officer looks up, but then decides that pursuing the suspect might make him spend more time in traffic, so he decides to just leave early instead, pushing his Lakers cap back on his head. As the figure escapes into the night, his floppy hair flowing in the wind, a security camera picks up only one word of the figure’s gibberish.

Saboteur: MACHINE!



Hardwood Paroxysm