Shaquille O’Kardashian

Vintage work from Corndogg…

Well, NBA fans, we had it all wrong. It wasn’t that Shaq was finished. Or that he hated Riley. Or even that he had a crazy divorce and wasted too much energy on humping and not enough on boxing out. Nope. Not that at all. He just didn’t have the butt muscles to be effective. I mean, really, how did Aaron Nelson get down in the meat of things (sorry, bad analogy), get his hands in there (and again) and find out that it was his other windy cheeks that made all the difference, or at least quite a bit of difference, in his effectiveness on the court? I mean, really? It’s one thing to make Nash’s wacky back miraculously work for 34 minute a night. Or to make Grant Hill’s ankles, which have not functioned for more than 2 consecutive months in more than a decade, seemingly carry him to dunk after dunk on the Phoenix fast break. But to somehow find the miracle cure to Shaq’s ailing game in his butt cheeks might be the story of the season. Well, at least the back end of the season — Boo Ya! This kind of crazy is only reserved for Charles Manson, Anna Nicole Smith and Klee Irwin (for a multitude of reasons). Man, I can’t stop! I am not sure if Nelson and his staff are geniuses, but I am pretty sure that they are the most unique, unconventional sports-med minds in the business. And, if Phoenix makes it to the Finals, or further, with this roster, these doctors need to get all the credit for bringing 3 different careers back from the (almost) dead. I guess it truly only matters what happens in the “end.” Damn, alright, that’s it.

Seth Carstens